Ten Terrible Dance Club Themes

We’ve all been to our share of terrible clubs. But before they create a new reality show called “Nightclub Impossible”, let’s all agree that we can eliminate these terrible dance club themes.

1.  Phat:  Aren’t you sick of clubs that have too many good looking people?  The bouncers at Phat never let anyone under 250 lbs through the door!  And you can get all the cocktails in regular or milkshake form!

2.  Geri’s:  The hottest club for geriatric seniors is now open late until 6pm!  Here you’ll groove to the hottest new releases your grandmother remembers.  It’s bar is fully stocked and a licensed pharmacists is standing by to make sure every dancer doesn’t miss a pill!  Absolutely no one under 55 admitted!

3.  Hot Plate:  Tired of going to dance clubs where everyone just stands around and drinks?  Then you gotta get to Hot Plate!  Upon entering, everyone checks their shoes at the door and when the music starts, we super heat the conductive metal floor!  You’ll dance or you’ll burn!

4.  Asteroids:  Do you lift, bro?  Well, you bettah!  Because no one enters this club without bench pressing 250 pounds, bro!  So what if not that many women get in?  It’s not gay, bro!  No weaklings in this club!

5.  Coldcuts!:  The first deli-theme dance club.  Sure, it’s a little cold, but it would have to be to store all this meat!  Everyone is for sale in this cool club in the Meatpacking District. Just grab a ticket at the bar/counter and buy any piece of meat, I mean person. Puzzling club economists everywhere, prices go down as the pounds go up.

6.  Pretentious:  This is obviously the most important club that has ever been built.  I’m sorry, but if you don’t already know about it, I can’t tell you about it.  The bouncers cannot let you in.  You have to already be in to get in.  But if you did know about it, you’d already know it was the best!

7.  The Wolf of Wall Street Nightclub:  Based on the critically acclaimed movie!  Have a wild time, just like those brokers!  Nothing is off limits in this club!  Drugs!  Booze!  Drugs!  Women!  Drugs!  Insider trading!  Then finish the night by being arrested by Federal agents and having your house and property seized!

8.  Boniface:  Party all night at the only dance club whose theme is based after 6th century pope, Boniface II!  Some people will tell you it was modeled after Boniface I or Boniface the III, but those on the “in” know that Boniface II was the one true party pontiff!  So get down to Boniface and be saved…from a boring night out!

9. Pitch Black:  This darkness-themed club has no windows and no lights!  It’s BYOB at PB, because good luck finding the bar!  You’ll love the feel of our decor, created by one of the hottest blind interior designers in the city! Everyone is a 10 at Pitch Black!

10.  Insanity!:  Some clubs claim to be insane and give you a crazy night out, but Insanity truly delivers!  Here, the bouncers are called “orderlies” and wear white uniforms.  Each dancer is escorted into the club, checked for sharp objects and then set loose on one of six padded dance floors!  You won’t hear music at first, but after one of our bartenders administers Insanity’s patented “calmer”, you’ll hear lots of things!   Mostly, you’re own screaming!

Bonus! 

11.  Barn Raiser:  The area’s only Amish themed nightclub opens sharp at 4am!  BR’s dances include literally churning the butter!  Want to sit down?  Better get to work crafting a seat by hand!  There’s not power tools or music because there’s no electricity!  DJ Jebediah just quotes Bible verses and he can quote them all afternoon long!

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