Ten Drinks and the Message You Send When You Buy One For a Lady

Fellas, women read into everything.  While our cold, emotionless logic circuits are anxiously trying to close the deal, women are out there feeling, feeling, feeling.  One of the things they “feel” is the drink you buy for them when you meet for the first time.  They will—  No, they need to go back to their friends and spend twenty to thirty minutes discussing what you bought for them during the first few moments.  Here are the messages you send with your drinks.

1.  Beer:  “Hi, I share an apartment with three other roommates because technically my job is considered a paid internship.  I hope you don’t like guys with money!”

2.  Wine Cooler:  “Hello!  I’m mentally still in 11th grade!  Wanna make out?”

3.  Tequila Shot:  “I’m going to pour alcohol in you until you forget where you live and end up at my place.  I’ll find your bra under my bed a week from now.  Although I will pay your cab fare home, I will not be making you breakfast since I can’t cook anything more complicated than a microwave burrito.”

4.  Tom Collins:  “I have no idea what women drink, but I saw this one on Mad Men and I figure you probably watch that.  I will make awkward conversation with you.  You can probably get a few more free drinks out of me and put me right in the friend zone.”

5.  White Russian:  “I’m in college and my friends and I quote The Big Lebowski constantly.  I will constantly try and have sex with you the moment we start talking.”

6. Vodka Martini:  “Greetings, I am the most boring person in this club.  You will start to doze off, halfway through me telling you my name.  You’ll give me a fake number just so we’ll never have to talk again.”

7.  Scotch on the rocks:  “I work at a Fortune 500 company and can spend fifteen minutes talking about how expensive my watch is.  Watch me piss away a grand on bottle service in hopes of getting you into the sack tonight.”

8. Mai Tai:  “Welcome to the party train and this train makes all the stops.  If you haven’t woken up in an alley with no shoes three states away, then you didn’t really party.”

9. Cosmopolitan:  “I’m recently divorced and therapist told me this is where people meet now.  My wife used to drink these because her and her friends watched Sex in the City.  I’ll be cutting out early, I have to say goodnight to my kids.”

10. Mohito:  “Hey, I follow trends.  You remind me of someone I saw on TV.  If we start dating and you change your hair, I will immediately break up with you.  Sure, I’m shallow, but you’re judging people based on drinks, so don’t talk.”


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