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Ten Valentine’s Dates From Hell

Valentine’s Day is a day of romance.  But with everyone’s expectations so high, things can sometimes go horribly, horribly wrong.  Not Bruce Jenner plastic surgery wrong, but still pretty wrong.  Here now are Ten Valentine’s Dates From Hell.

1.  Dinner with the Folks:  There’s nothing that can kill romance and boners quicker than eating with an older version of yourself.  Whose idea was this?  Even your parents want to be alone today.

2.  Dinner at a Super Expensive Place That Sucks:  You finally got those reservations, you planned for weeks, saved your money—  Only one problem: Turns out that expensive place sucks worse than the losing contestants on Hell’s Kitchen.  You and your s.o. spend half the meal thinking of all the cool places you could’ve gone with that money and the food’s so bad, you don’t even ask for a doggie bag.

3.  Weekend at the Overbooked Bed and Breakfast:  It looked so cozy in the brochure, but it turns out that every other couple in the region has also booked this place.  With paper thin walls, you have a front row audio seat to the couple in the next room getting it on.  And by the time you get down stairs for breakfast, all the waffles are gone.

4.  Take Out and Netflix:  You thought a cozy night at home could be romantic.  Unfortunately, you can’t agree on what to watch and the February cold and slow delivery guy means your dinner is about as tepid as the romance.  You try to skip right to the sex, but it turns into a discussion about who cleans what and then a fight.  Happy V-day!

5.  Work Date Lunch:  You thought you’d surprise your s.o. with a work date lunch in the middle of the day.  While it does impress your s.o.’s co-workers, it doesn’t phase the no-life boss for whom he or she works.  You miss your reservations at the fancy lunch place and end up eating Wendy’s in the company break room.

6.  Dinner and the Ex:  You found the perfect restaurant, one of your faves.  Unfortunately, you forgot that your ex introduced you to that place.  You lock eyes with them from across the room and now there’s a whole weird vibe on everything.  You almost leave when the ex starts a competitive PDA contest with their s.o., but you manage to tough it out long enough to skip desert and get the Hell out.

7.  Home Cooked Meal Gone Wrong:  You followed all the instructions on the Internet, but managed to burn the whole damned meal.  Now there’s just a lot of crying and tension.  The mood is about as conducive to sex as stiletto heels are to running a marathon.

8. The Cliched Date:  Your s.o. went through a lot of trouble: chocolates, flowers and rose petals leading to the bed.  It’s a shame he’s less creative than an episode of Two Broke Girls.  His transparent attempt to get you in the sack is about as inspiring as his New Year’s Eve idea of going to Times Square.  Maybe it’s not too late to salvage your profile at Match.com.

9.  The Date That Goes Completely Overboard:  Dinner at a nice place would’ve been fine, but your s.o. spent a quarter of their yearly salary on this night.  Limo, drinks, a show, dinner, hotel and an embarrassing amount of gifts.  Seriously, a puppy and a kitten?  Now they’re fighting and peeing all over the place, while your s.o. tries to get the violin player out of the room so he can make his move.  Now you’ll be spending the next two months hearing how he’s “too broke” to take you anywhere.

10.  The Half-Ass V-Day Attempt:  You weren’t expecting much, but you were expecting an effort.  Your boyfriend unwisely attempts to call restaurants for a reservations ten minutes before you’re supposed to leave.  With no where else to go, you end up in that Sports Bar that he likes eating pub food and trying to talk over a hockey game.  Then he has the nerve to mutter, “Glad that’s over with” on the way back to the car.  Guess whose genitals go untouched that night?

Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club

Gentlemen, the dance club is your hunting ground and today we look at targets you should avoid.  Whether you want to take someone home to mom or just into the alley behind the dumpster for a quick hump, you should know the pitfalls before you end up on a very special episode of Dr. Phil.  Here now are the Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club. Read more

Ten Pick Up Lines So Awful They’re Good

Ultimately, pick up lines are meaningless, as most women make up their minds about you in the first five seconds.  But there are certain lines that are just so bad, they’re kind of endearing if you use them right.  Here now are Ten Pick Up Lines So Awful They’re Good.

1.  “Nice dress.  It would look better crumpled up on my floor.”  Turn your delivery to maximum smartass, if you expect to get away with this without looking too aggressive or creepy.  If she let’s you hang out, you’re probably in.

2.  “Did you fall from heaven?  Because I really think we should have sex.”  This one doesn’t need 100% confidence, but it does need a fun and light delivery.  Just make sure you reapply your Axe cologne if you get slapped.

3.  “Are you a hard worker?  I have an opening you can fill.”  Generally, ladies don’t need pick up lines.  Guys will pretty much talk to anyone that bats their eyes at them.  Still, if you want to prove you’re just as cheesy.

4.  “Do you believe in love in first sight or should I walk past you again?”  Funny and light, but the less aggressive tone opens the door for a big turn down.  You need to catch her off guard.  If she shows off in front of her friends, you’ll be trying this at the other end of the bar.

5.  “Great legs.  What time do they open?”  It’s dangerous to spout something this vulgar, but then again, women love to “fix” scumbags.  If you can pull off the “handsome rogue” persona, you’re probably in.

6.  “Can I buy you a drink?  I’m much more handsome after alcohol.”  This one is slightly self-deprecating, which is good.  However, it does open you up to a zinger like, “No, thanks.  There’s not enough alcohol in this city to make you handsome.”

7.  “Are you a parking ticket?  Because you got FINE written all over you!”  It’s funny, cheesy and not at all aggressive.  It’s not likely to get a zinger response.  Worst case scenario, she just laughs like you’re being stupid and goes back to her Appletini.  You may not get to see boobs, but at least you’ll get a laugh.

8.  “Can you give me directions?  Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.”  Supremely cheesy and you run the risk of getting cut off half way through with “Yeah, get lost.”  But it is a compliment about her eyes and women take to compliments like a crack addict takes to crack.

9.  “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”  Again, you cannot go wrong with a line that is basically a compliment.  What is she going to retort with?  “No I’m not!?”  It’s more likely she’ll say something like, “Does that line actually work?”  To which you can respond, “I’m talking to you aren’t I?”

10.  “Can I have your phone number?  I’ve seem to have lost mine.”  Classic cheesiness, but it establishes what you want in one sentence.  You might have to banter a bit to actually get her digits, but alcohol tends to loosen lips and you’re probably in a bar anyways.

 

Ten Things You Never Want to Hear Your Dance Partner Say

Dance floor chatter is usually limited to stuff like “Nice moves” and “Hey, have you seen Ian?  He was my ride.”  But there are certain things you never want to hear your dance partner say.

1.  “I love dancing.  It really makes me forget about my STD’s.”

2.  “So, is that roofie kicking in yet?”

3.  “You’re so strong.  I told the bouncer you could kick his ass no problem.”

4.  “You’re dancing?  I’m sorry.  I thought you were having a seizure.”

5.  “I’ll get the bartender’s attention.  Just let me fire off a few rounds.”

6.  “If you’re not homeless, why are you dressed that way?”

7.  “Hey, let’s go meet my mom.  She’s at the table behind you!”

8.  “I hope you have sex better than you dance.”

9.  “I told the DJ to play some more Miley Cyrus!”

10.  “Let’s get out of here after this song.  The fire I set should probably be spreading by then.”

Think you can do better? We know you can! Leave your terrible dance convo one liners below!

Seven Tips for Communicating in a Loud Club

There are few clubs that aren’t loud.  Some clubs actually have so many speakers and such volume, the vibrations permeate the walls clear into the bathroom stalls.  Is it any wonder none of the staff pays attention?  They’re probably all deaf.  But you’ve got your crew in tow and you’ve got to communicate.  How else are you going to go home with that hot chick holding the martini glass or that handsome bloke with open shirt and pecs?  Here now are some quick tips for communicating in a loud club.

1.  Texting:  Keep your cellphone handy, because it may be the only way you can tell your girlfriends that the guy you’ve been talking to just sprang for bottle service at the table.

2.  Hand Signals:  And you thought talking to deaf people was a waste of time!  Whether you know the entire deaf alphabet or are just good at charades, hand signals are an invaluable tool in loud situations.  Just ask Seal Team Six.

3.  Napkin Notes:  You knew there was a reason they kept giving you a napkin with your drink.  If it’s not to scrawl a note to your boys to tell them that you call dibbs on that cleavage queen you just spotted, then what good are they?  And remember, never leave that paper trail behind.

4.  Dancing:  While dancing isn’t the ideal communication method for every kind of message, it is great for giving your dance partner the message that you’d rather be grinding on him or her naked back at their place.

5.  Mouthing the Words:  Assuming you can get someone’s attention under the flashing lights and puffs of fake smoke, you might be able to mouth a message.  You don’t have to be a lip reader to get the basics.  Just remember that mouthing the word “talk”, as in, “Do you want to talk?” may send a mixed message as it also looks like a certain f-word.

6.  Tattoos:  Depending on what your ink looks like, you can get along pretty good in a club with just your arms and pointing.  It’ll make that tattoo of two people getting in a cab totally worth the $60.

7.  Your Bartender:  You’ve been tipping this guy non-stop for $12 Appletinis, the least he can do is deliver a message or two.  And it doesn’t always have to be about hooking up.  Deliver a drink to your friend and have the bartender pass on the message about what greasy spoon you’re going to hit at 3 am.  No night out is complete without pancakes!

 

The Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club

Although club drinks tend to be insanely high, at least your brain cells are being killed by top shelf liquor that Jay-Z also drinks.  Club food, however, is a mix of the gourmet, the frozen and just plain odd.  Sure, you need some calories to shake that thang, but you can also get some later at the IHOP like a normal person.  Here now are the Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club.

1.  Pizza:  This isn’t someone’s dorm room.  Why the Hell would anyone want a long, floppy piece of bread, covered in sauce, cheese and tiny round meats, unless they have a burning desire to ruin an $800 Jovani sequin dress?  Not to mention the fact that you can probably buy an entire pie for the price of what the club will charge.

2.  Nachos:  Are we a group of stoned eighth graders in our parents’ basement?  And no matter how many degrees your chef has, he basically dumped this out of a bag and put cheese on them.

3.  Egg Rolls:  Oh, good.  It’s like a slice of pizza, except rolled up into a hot little food hand grenade that explodes the moment you bite into it.  That is, of course, that you don’t immediately sear your tongue off it, as it just came out of a deep fryer.

4.  Salad:  What health nut ordered this?  This is a dance club, not a lunch out with the girls.  Assuming you get that all into your salad hole without splashing dressing on your shoes, who wants to look at that empty bowl with a fork sticking out, just waiting to be knocked over by first clumsy guy trying to sit down next to you?

5.  Buffet Style Anything:  The dance club’s GM should have his head examined for offering up this disaster waiting to happen.  That’s just what a dance floor needs: people gingerly making their way back to their table with a plate piled high with free food.  What is this?  Your cousin’s wedding reception?

6.  Hot dogs:  Is this a night club or Yankee Stadium?  Even strip clubs serve more expensive food than this.  Hot dogs are worse than nothing.  They’re like an insult in food form.  “Ha, ha!  You paid the cover charge and this is all we’re giving you for free!”

7.  Fajitas:  Awesome!  Not only did you deliver food that requires a fork and can be put inside a soft taco shell where it might burst out and ruin clothes, you also managed to deliver a plate to the table that could cause third degree burns to anyone that touches it!  Why not just throw a bunch of hot coals at the table while you’re at it?

8.  Wings:  Yeah, let me get my hands completely covered in orange hot sauce.  Is this the dance club or a Super Bowl Party?  And who doesn’t want a pile of chicken bones as a centerpiece of the tiny table where you put your drinks?  Nothing says sophistication like a pile of half-eaten chicken remains and a greasy cellphone.

If Dogs Could Dance: The Ten Best Breeds for Dance Partners

If your dog could talk, what would it say?  Probably to feed it more table scraps.  But the real burning question is, if your dog could dance would it be good?  Here now are the Ten Best Breeds for Dance Partners.

1.  Bulldog:  Bulldogs don’t move much and are low energy, but their low center of gravity make them sturdy dance partners.  You can twerk all day around this mutt and he won’t move.  Sure, he’s not much to look at, but you’re the one dancing with a dog, remember?

2. Golden Retriever: Old Yeller is not just a pretty face, he’s got tons of energy.  He’s going to endure on the dance floor and lick your face all night long.  That’s a huge step up from most guys you meet at a club.

3.  Beagle:  How can you not add Snoopy to the list?  That dog knows how to shake it.  Oh, sure, he can get a little clingy, but he’s probably more loyal than that guy that keeps buying you vodka martinis.  He may not have the fingers to work a phone, but at least he’ll come when called.

4. Irish Setter:  All Irish know how to jig, so why should their setters be the exception?  Their lyrical doggie accents and soulful eyes will sweep you off your feet on the dance floor, lassie.

5. Corgi:  Sure, they’re short and stubby, but so cute!  Who could turn down such a cutie for a dance?  And with their low center of gravity, they might actually be able to lead.

6. Mastiff:  These monster dogs are almost like dancing with a small horse.  Best part is, if you get too drunk, you might be able to ride him home.  And if you spill anything on yourself, the massive Mastiff tongue is sure to be able to lick it off.

7. Maltese:  The Maltese is a tiny little dog that can stand on his hind feet for long periods of time.  It’s like having a furry little version of one of the Step Up crew for your own personal amusement.

8.  German Shepherd:  Great posture and great ears, the German Shepherd is always going to lead.  Marching to the beat is not a problem with this breed and he can sniff out anyone that happens to be holding.

9.  Poodle:  French dogs are like friendlier, less rapey version of Pepe LePew.  Plus they are always groomed for a night out on the town.  This dog knows how to step, just don’t ask it to defend you from possible attack.

10.  Collie:  The world’s most handsome dog is probably better looking than most of the guys you see at the club.  Well, groomed, well-behaved and smart, this is a dog you can dance with and bring home to the folks.  And you’ll have a way out if you accidentally fall down a well.

 

The Seven Best Ancient Civilizations for Dance Clubs

Ancient Civilizations may have been warlike, sexist, violent and bloodier than a episode of Game of Thrones, but at some point they had to put down their spears to get their drinking on and dance!  Here now are the Seven Best Ancient Civilizations for Dance Clubs.

1. The Roman Empire:  Hands down, the best.  Roman nightclubs were, at minimum, a place to drink, dance, hold an orgy and then repeat until everyone was passed out.  Oh, sure, they stole most of the Gods from the Greeks, but they rebranded and got back to the party!

2. The Aztecs:  The Aztecs built impressive, tall, tiered dance club and no one went home until someone got their heart ripped out and thrown to the crowd.  They invented chocolate, so the bars were well stocked with Chocolate-tinis.

3.  The Vandals:  When your entire civilization sounds like the people that write dirty limericks on bathroom stalls, you obviously had to have built some clubs.  Sure, the Romans could party, but no one could trash a hotel room like the Vandals.  When you’re the bad boys of the Middle Ages, you know how to party.

4.  The Vikings:  Wearing Flavor Flav hats sans the giant clock, the Vikings were like pirates that attacked land instead of ships and stabbed you in the face rather than parlay.  Most of their clubs were like raves, moving from location to location until a good spot full of booty was found.

5.  The Mongols:  The Mongols were like the Vikings on horseback.  Genghis Khan and Kubla Khan being their head DJ’s at all times.  Their version of bottle service involved decapitating an enemy filling his skull with a Mai Tai.

6.  The Māori:  The little known New Zealander tribe are like the live action equivalent of Klingons without the Shakespeare.  Tough as nails and fearsome on the battlefield, they’re just as fearsome on the dance floor or doing a haka.

7.  The Egyptians:  How can you not include the civilization that invented beer?  Pharaohs wanted to party in this life and the after, which is why their best dancing slaves were sealed in their tombs with them.  They couldn’t go anywhere without a good entourage.

10 Reasons Going to a Club is Like Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is returning to the wasteland that is television and not a moment too soon.  Just like GOT fans are waiting for the dragons to start roasting Kings Landing, so too are party goers anxious to get inside the best clubs.  And dance clubs are a lot like Westerors if you look close.  Here now are Ten Reasons Going to the Club is like Game of Thrones.

1.  Getting inside the club is like getting past the Wall and the Black Watch:  Like the Black Watch, bouncers swear off of drinking and women.  And like everyone on Game of Thrones, they’re violent and will try and kill you if given the flimsiest of excuse.

2. Like Game of Thrones, there are tons of scantily clad people:  There’s enough sex, nudity and dudity in Game of Thrones to fill several page of the Mr. Skin website.  Pass enough vodka tonics out and you’ll pretty much get the same thing in your local club’s restrooms on a Friday night.

3.  Spending money like the Lannisters gets results:  You might have a great personality, but nothing erases ugly like money in the club.  Tyrion didn’t get all the hot chicks by being poor and short and neither will you when you hit the clubs. 

4.  Watch where you put your “sword”:  In GoT, people get into a lot of trouble thinking with the little sword.  You can get in way more trouble on the dance floor.  Nothing says “creepy” like getting too excited in the pants and swinging it around.  Remember to rest and cool off in between grinding.

5.  If you want to be king or king of the dance floor, you need magic:  Stanis has his crazy, red-headed witch woman, you’re going to need someone to dance with that’s just as striking.  And like her spells, her moves better be deadly and involve brief nudity.

6. Unlike Theron Greyjoy, sometimes you might want to get “cut off”:  Sure, it’s fun to get a little buzzed and dance the night away but watch out who you go home with. If it’s not your long lost sister, it might just be a crazy psychopath that you’re getting into bed with. And unlike Taken, if you wake up alone in a dungeon, Liam Neeson won’t be there to save you. Sometimes, you might just have to thank that bartender for “cutting you off.”

7. There’s always one rich guy being a jackass:  He’s not King Jeoffrey.  He’s worse.  Whether he’s the son of a sheik, a Russian mobster or Will Smith, he’ll be making it rain and dominating the bottle service.  Stay away, unless you want to get a drunken putdown and have a fist full of hundreds thrown derisively into your face.

8. The party, like winter, is coming:  And if you live on the East Coast, the party, like winter, never seems to end.  So unless your apartment is stocked with whiskey and Netflix, it’s time to hit the club to find someone warm to rub against.  And if you can brave the storm, much like Little Finger, you’ll have your pick of the ladies.

9. Never discount the weirdos:  The Hound, Tyrion, Jamie Lannister—  It seems like those with the biggest disfigurements are always the most interesting characters.  That’s why you should never count out the weirdos in the club.  Just because some dude is 300 lbs with a bright pink goatee, doesn’t mean it’s not totally worth chatting up.  Of course, if he smells like Hodor, that’s probably a deal killer.

10. Like the queen, MILF’s are not to be ignored:  The Queen of Westeros’ machinations drive the Royal Court according to her whim.  Thus it is similar with MILF’s that have been in your local club’s scene for a few years.  Sure, shes’ got some miles on her, but she wears that Cougar Life well.  Like the Queen, don’t cross her unless you want your rep to be mud.

Bonus! You never know who is going to disappear:  In GoT, characters disappear all the time, never to return.  In a club scene, you never know when two people might pair up and disappear forever.  Marriage, like a cover charge, can be an expensive thing, whether the wedding is as joyous as Tyrion saving the kingdom or as bloody as the Red Wedding.

How Not to Dance With Your Mom at a Wedding

When the big day finally comes, you’re going to have to dances, fellas.  And one of the most important dances is with the most special lady in your life.  No, not your favorite Hooters waitress, your mom.  Here now are a few tips on How Not to Dance with Your Mom at a Wedding.

1. Don’t “Drop It Low”:  Your elderly mother cannot “shaker her money maker”.  Are you crazy?  People are videotaping this.  Don’t scar your kids before they’re even born.

2. Don’t Pick Inappropriate Music:  You need something classy and icon.  Robin Thicke is too sexy and Sex Therapy goes on for like four minutes.  Any song with the phrases “your body”, “got to get with you” and “doin’ it” can also be deleted from the DJ’s iPod.  Do yourself a favor and let mom pick.

3. Don’t Twerk:  Or for that matter, don’t do any dance that Miley Cyrus would do on stage.  Judging by her current hairstyle, do you think she makes rational decisions?

4. Don’t Get Really Hammered:  Sure, you got issues with your mom.  And yes, giving up bachelorhood has made you really really want to get obliterated.  But this is no time to test the tolerance of your liver and how long you can hold back acid reflux.  They’ll be plenty of time for gin and regrets after the reception.

5. Don’t Try a Really Complicated Dance Move:  Yes, you took eight weeks of ballroom dancing and six weeks of salsa to placate your fiance, but your mother has been following your father’s lead for 30 years.  If you do anything but the three or four steps she’s used to, you’re likely to derail her rhythm in front of your entire family.

6.  Don’t Attempt to Make a Viral VideoYouTube videos of people doing funny and/or choreographed wedding dances are played.  Yes, the first few times someone did it, they were funny and charming, but we’re all as sick of them as your Facebook updates.  Just do a normal dance so people can get their cake and ditch your reception.

7.  Don’t Screw This Up:  After her own wedding and your birth, your wedding ranks up there as one of the most important days for your mom.  If you screw up this dance, you’ll be hearing about it for the rest of your life.  Your entire marriage will be a constant reminder to your mother of that “awful day you embarrassed me”.  And every time your mother berates you about it, you’ll get to be berated again by your wife.  So maybe think twice before dismissing those dance lessons.