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Ten Valentine’s Dates From Hell

Valentine’s Day is a day of romance.  But with everyone’s expectations so high, things can sometimes go horribly, horribly wrong.  Not Bruce Jenner plastic surgery wrong, but still pretty wrong.  Here now are Ten Valentine’s Dates From Hell.

1.  Dinner with the Folks:  There’s nothing that can kill romance and boners quicker than eating with an older version of yourself.  Whose idea was this?  Even your parents want to be alone today.

2.  Dinner at a Super Expensive Place That Sucks:  You finally got those reservations, you planned for weeks, saved your money—  Only one problem: Turns out that expensive place sucks worse than the losing contestants on Hell’s Kitchen.  You and your s.o. spend half the meal thinking of all the cool places you could’ve gone with that money and the food’s so bad, you don’t even ask for a doggie bag.

3.  Weekend at the Overbooked Bed and Breakfast:  It looked so cozy in the brochure, but it turns out that every other couple in the region has also booked this place.  With paper thin walls, you have a front row audio seat to the couple in the next room getting it on.  And by the time you get down stairs for breakfast, all the waffles are gone.

4.  Take Out and Netflix:  You thought a cozy night at home could be romantic.  Unfortunately, you can’t agree on what to watch and the February cold and slow delivery guy means your dinner is about as tepid as the romance.  You try to skip right to the sex, but it turns into a discussion about who cleans what and then a fight.  Happy V-day!

5.  Work Date Lunch:  You thought you’d surprise your s.o. with a work date lunch in the middle of the day.  While it does impress your s.o.’s co-workers, it doesn’t phase the no-life boss for whom he or she works.  You miss your reservations at the fancy lunch place and end up eating Wendy’s in the company break room.

6.  Dinner and the Ex:  You found the perfect restaurant, one of your faves.  Unfortunately, you forgot that your ex introduced you to that place.  You lock eyes with them from across the room and now there’s a whole weird vibe on everything.  You almost leave when the ex starts a competitive PDA contest with their s.o., but you manage to tough it out long enough to skip desert and get the Hell out.

7.  Home Cooked Meal Gone Wrong:  You followed all the instructions on the Internet, but managed to burn the whole damned meal.  Now there’s just a lot of crying and tension.  The mood is about as conducive to sex as stiletto heels are to running a marathon.

8. The Cliched Date:  Your s.o. went through a lot of trouble: chocolates, flowers and rose petals leading to the bed.  It’s a shame he’s less creative than an episode of Two Broke Girls.  His transparent attempt to get you in the sack is about as inspiring as his New Year’s Eve idea of going to Times Square.  Maybe it’s not too late to salvage your profile at Match.com.

9.  The Date That Goes Completely Overboard:  Dinner at a nice place would’ve been fine, but your s.o. spent a quarter of their yearly salary on this night.  Limo, drinks, a show, dinner, hotel and an embarrassing amount of gifts.  Seriously, a puppy and a kitten?  Now they’re fighting and peeing all over the place, while your s.o. tries to get the violin player out of the room so he can make his move.  Now you’ll be spending the next two months hearing how he’s “too broke” to take you anywhere.

10.  The Half-Ass V-Day Attempt:  You weren’t expecting much, but you were expecting an effort.  Your boyfriend unwisely attempts to call restaurants for a reservations ten minutes before you’re supposed to leave.  With no where else to go, you end up in that Sports Bar that he likes eating pub food and trying to talk over a hockey game.  Then he has the nerve to mutter, “Glad that’s over with” on the way back to the car.  Guess whose genitals go untouched that night?

Ten Things You Never Want to Hear Your Dance Partner Say

Dance floor chatter is usually limited to stuff like “Nice moves” and “Hey, have you seen Ian?  He was my ride.”  But there are certain things you never want to hear your dance partner say.

1.  “I love dancing.  It really makes me forget about my STD’s.”

2.  “So, is that roofie kicking in yet?”

3.  “You’re so strong.  I told the bouncer you could kick his ass no problem.”

4.  “You’re dancing?  I’m sorry.  I thought you were having a seizure.”

5.  “I’ll get the bartender’s attention.  Just let me fire off a few rounds.”

6.  “If you’re not homeless, why are you dressed that way?”

7.  “Hey, let’s go meet my mom.  She’s at the table behind you!”

8.  “I hope you have sex better than you dance.”

9.  “I told the DJ to play some more Miley Cyrus!”

10.  “Let’s get out of here after this song.  The fire I set should probably be spreading by then.”

Think you can do better? We know you can! Leave your terrible dance convo one liners below!