Gentlemen, the dance club is your hunting ground and today we look at targets you should avoid. Whether you want to take someone home to mom or just into the alley behind the dumpster for a quick hump, you should know the pitfalls before you end up on a very special episode of Dr. Phil. Here now are the Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club. Read more
You and your boys are at the club, dancing up a storm. But for some reason none of the girls there are interested in dancing with you (and you thought the worm would get any girl excited). You’re going to have to take drastic measures to dance with a girl tonight. Just don’t try any of the ideas below.
1. Tape dollar bills to your chest.
2. Dare them to do it.
3. Tell them their butt’s on fire and you have to grind it out.
4. Dress up like their best friend and sneak on the dance floor.
5. Pay them $50 to dance with you.
6. Have your friends create a wall of bodies to keep her on the dance floor at all times.
7. Hook a bungee cord in between your belts.
8. Hire a hypnotist .
9. Take her family hostage and demand she dance for their freedom.
10. Pay her $100 on top of that $50 to not call the cops.
11. Bribe the DJ to play her favorite song all night long.
12. Threaten to dance with little sister if she doesn’t.
13. Use a lasso.
14. Get a devil to possess her.
15. Ask a ouija board to see if she a ghost will come down and make her dance with you.
16. Turn off all the lights in the club so she can’t see who she is dancing with.
17. Grease the dance floor so she slides into your arms
18. Hire actors to pretend to be terrorists taking over the club and her one chance to save the hostages is to break it down.
19. Build a time machine to make you King of All That Dance.
20. Hide a magnet in her purse and wear your large metal belt buckle.
Hey ladies! It’s 2014, girls, and according to Beyoncé, we run the world, so it’s time we start taking charge. A survey in Cosmo (which we all know is our real Bible) shows that you DEFINITELY should start being more assertive in your womanly nightlife. Now, since many of us are still new to this, I’ve got some helpful dos and don’ts for all the heterosexual sistahs in the house (as we know the homosexual ladies have to have been asking each other out for quite some time). So if you see a gentleman you’re interested in at a soiree, here are some helpful tips on how to break the ice!
Do: Smile. And maybe even wave if you’re bold. Once a person catches your fancy, making warm eye contact is a great first step.
Don’t: Throw up gang signs for whatever crew you roll with, as this could cause disastrous and possibly lethal consequences. Trust me on this one.
Do: Compliment him on an item of clothing he’s wearing, such as the shirt of a band where you like their music, or a flattering pair of pants.
Don’t: Attempt to tear off said item of clothing to make off with it and sell it on EBay. I know it might have worked for you a few times, but the cops are catching on, gals.
Do: Ask him if he knows anyone at the bar, party, or club, as a way to introduce yourself to his friends.
Don’t: Ask him if he’s met The Lord on High, Xenu. You can save the indoctrination for after the third date.
Do: Make a light-hearted joke about the loud music, party, or crowds.
Don’t: Make a light-hearted joke about the firearm in your pocket, or your plans for armed robbery later.
Do: Invite him to dance
Don’t: Fire said pistol at his feet in order to make him dance for you, no matter what Yosemite Sam tells you.
Do: Laugh at his jokes, even if you can’t quite hear them.
Don’t: Exsanguinate him if he doesn’t laugh at your jokes.
Do: While dancing, look playfully into his eyes, filling his heart with fire and passion.
Don’t: Actually set him on fire.
Fellas, women read into everything. While our cold, emotionless logic circuits are anxiously trying to close the deal, women are out there feeling, feeling, feeling. One of the things they “feel” is the drink you buy for them when you meet for the first time. They will— No, they need to go back to their friends and spend twenty to thirty minutes discussing what you bought for them during the first few moments. Here are the messages you send with your drinks.
1. Beer: “Hi, I share an apartment with three other roommates because technically my job is considered a paid internship. I hope you don’t like guys with money!”
2. Wine Cooler: “Hello! I’m mentally still in 11th grade! Wanna make out?”
3. Tequila Shot: “I’m going to pour alcohol in you until you forget where you live and end up at my place. I’ll find your bra under my bed a week from now. Although I will pay your cab fare home, I will not be making you breakfast since I can’t cook anything more complicated than a microwave burrito.”
4. Tom Collins: “I have no idea what women drink, but I saw this one on Mad Men and I figure you probably watch that. I will make awkward conversation with you. You can probably get a few more free drinks out of me and put me right in the friend zone.”
5. White Russian: “I’m in college and my friends and I quote The Big Lebowski constantly. I will constantly try and have sex with you the moment we start talking.”
6. Vodka Martini: “Greetings, I am the most boring person in this club. You will start to doze off, halfway through me telling you my name. You’ll give me a fake number just so we’ll never have to talk again.”
7. Scotch on the rocks: “I work at a Fortune 500 company and can spend fifteen minutes talking about how expensive my watch is. Watch me piss away a grand on bottle service in hopes of getting you into the sack tonight.”
8. Mai Tai: “Welcome to the party train and this train makes all the stops. If you haven’t woken up in an alley with no shoes three states away, then you didn’t really party.”
9. Cosmopolitan: “I’m recently divorced and therapist told me this is where people meet now. My wife used to drink these because her and her friends watched Sex in the City. I’ll be cutting out early, I have to say goodnight to my kids.”
10. Mohito: “Hey, I follow trends. You remind me of someone I saw on TV. If we start dating and you change your hair, I will immediately break up with you. Sure, I’m shallow, but you’re judging people based on drinks, so don’t talk.”
Women can be cryptic on and off the dance floor, and when it comes to approaching a lady at the club, it can be nearly impossible to tell what she’s thinking. If you’re not sure if she’s into you and your grooves, keep an eye out for these 5 telltale signs that are her way of saying “I want to dance with you.” May these hints help you solve the mystery and give you the confidence to make your move when the time is right!
She Moves Closer
Even from all the way across the room, a girl can spy exactly whom she wants to dance with. If you notice that she has inched her way to your part of the dance floor, this is the first good sign. She may not get up and close right away, but she will definitely make an effort to be in your general area. Not only will she get closer, she’ll also try to make sure that she’s always in your line of vision. If you turn around, she’ll shift so she’s still in the direction you’re facing. It will be subtle, but if you catch it, get ready to look out for sign #2.
She Separates Herself From Her Girl Friends
We all know how intimidating it can be to approach a woman when she is surrounded by 10 of her best girl friends. Your lady will want to make this task less daunting for you; she’ll want to appear inviting! She will slowly separate from her friends and make sure that you have an easy access point to her.
She Plays With Her Hair
Playing with her hair can be one of the most flirty things a girl can do. If you notice that she’s got her hand in her hair a lot on the dance floor, this is because she wants you to see her face and stand out from the crowd full of long, luscious, whipping locks. Also, when she pulls the hair from her face, it gives her a chance to look around, and sneak a peak at where you are and what you’re doing.
She Laughs A lot
Like playing with her hair, laughing is another sign of flirtation. When she’s laughing, she’s trying to show that she is having a good time and would be a blast to dance with. Not only is she sexy, but she’s trying to appear to be light-hearted and easy-going. You might wonder, what is she laughing at? Don’t ask, just know that it’s her way of calling you over to her party.
She Stares You Down
And after all of this, if you haven’t swooped in for the dance yet, and she’s still into you, she will do whatever it takes to catch your eye and stare you down. If you make eye contact with her and she actually holds it, rather darting her eyes instantly, then that is her most powerful way of saying, “Come dance with me. Now.”
As nervous as the men may be to make a move, the ladies are scared too and that’s why it can be so tricky to detect what she wants. So look for these signs to see if she’s trying to tell you something. And if she is, don’t ignore it, go for it!
1. Any comment on her weight.
Whether it’s “eat a cheeseburger” or “you really should be drinking Bud Light instead of regular”, no woman wants to hear anything regarding her weight.
2. Any comparison to an ex.
“Wow, you dance a lot better than my ex girlfriend” may seem like a compliment in your drunken little head, but there is a good chance your dance partner will run the other way.
3. “Can I have your number?”
Did you know that most women never return calls to guys they meet at the club? Sound like the young hip professional that you are and ask for a business card instead.
4. “Me Me Me Me Me”
You may think that your new prospect wants to hear all about your masters degree in basket-weaving or that time you drank an entire handle of Bacardi razz at your friend’s bachelor party. But in reality, this will make you look self-centered and arrogant. Focus on her instead and she will be a lot more receptive to your advances.
5. Pick-up Lines
I am not sure if any man has ever had a successful time using one. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong though.
6. “Are You Alone?”
Some might argue against this one, because you never wanna be that guy who hits on a woman whose boyfriend is 5 feet away. But to me, this feels kinda creepy and serial killer-esque. Your new prospect is not gonna wanna go home with you if she feels like she may be put in some sort of of Law and Order SVU scenario.
7. Tone down those compliments.
You may think she is the most beautiful woman you’ve set eyes on. You may think that she is optimal wifey material and you wanna shout it from the rooftops, but being overly-complimentary is gonna make you seem desperate.
8. Don’t Rely on the Same Techniques for Every Girl
I know that everyone has their old stand-by methods, but don’t use them on girl after girl. Women talk and no one will want to dance with you if she knows you’re just using generic, stock moves.
9. Don’t Be Sloppy
We know that alcohol is probably your go-to way to calm nerves and increase confidence, but don’t get too confident. No girl is going to want to dance with you if you’re slurring your words and your breath stinks like tequila.
10. Let Your Dance Moves Do The Talking
Use what you’ve learned on your Learn Club Dance DVD and you won’t even have to worry about what to say.