The zombies are coming, it’s only a question of when. The Walking Dead isn’t just a horrible drama on AMC, it’s an instruction manual on what to look for in a zombie apocalypse. (Hang with the guy with the crossbow.) But you’re not some Georgia redneck in the woods, you’re an urban club goer. You’ll probably be three martinis deep when the undead burst onto the dance floor and start biting everyone in the club. Here now are Tips for Fighting Your Way Out of a Dance Club During a Zombie Apocalypse.
1. Get your back to a wall: Even if you’re stuck in the restroom, you need to keep the potential zombies in front of you where you can see them. With all the lights and noise, you’re not going to hear them coming up behind you so eliminate that threat.
2. Grab a weapon: Potential weapons found in the club, best to worst: Fire extinguisher, table leg, knife from the bar, piece of sculpture that’s club-shaped, whiskey bottle and finally, your purse. Come to think of it, forget the purse unless you’ve got a metal nail file in there. You’re probably better off punching the zombies with your fist.
3. Repeat the zombie rules: Remember, there are women here and many of them have not seen a lot of the zombie movies you have. “Do not let them bite you! Aim for the head! Double tap to make sure they’re dead!” Even the most remedial zombie fighter should be able to grasp these instructions.
4. Head for the roof: Unless there’s an obvious exit that isn’t choked with panicking club goers or hordes of undead, the roof is your best bet. Keep control of the access door, find a fire axe and cut out several steps. Live humans can jump the gap in the steps, but zombies will just fall right through. And if you have to get off the roof, there’s bound to be a ladder or fire escape that is zombie-free.
5. Avoid dead ends: Hiding in the restroom or the DJ booth might seem like a great idea during the initial attack, but these areas are death traps in the club. With no escape, the zombies will eventually kill everyone, doubling or tripling their numbers, making it easy for them to push their way into whatever little space you thought was safe.
6. Hit the lights: What would really help distinguish your average club goer from a blood-thirsty corpse is regular lighting. Strobe lights and colored lights just confuse everything, so if there’s anyway you can turn up the lights so everyone can see what’s happening in the chaos, you might actually help yourself and others survive.
7. Ditch the high heels: Those $300 pumps looked great walking in, but they are useless when trying to outrun a mob of shambling undead guys. The last thing you need is to break a heel trying to run away.
8. Cover up: Zombies are going to try to bite you, so if you can get to your jacket put it on. The less skin you expose, the less vulnerable you are.
Bonus Tips: Things Not to Do
1. Don’t light the zombies on fire: This just makes them scream more and light other things on fire.
2. Don’t follow the bouncers: They’ll be heading right for the zombies under the false impression that they’ll be able to stop them.
3. Don’t trust someone that got bit: Someone who is bit will soon be a zombie. Keep your distance and don’t turn your back. You’ll be bashing this person’s skull in momentarily.
4. Don’t bother to call the cops or EMT’s: Since it’s unlikely patient zero was in the club at the time of the first infection, it’s quite likely the cops have their hands full all over the city. Most of the EMT’s and hospital staff are probably dead already anyway. Anyone that still answers the phone is not going to believe what’s happening until it’s too late. Call your friends and relatives with guns if you call anybody.