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Tips on How to Have a Conversation In Loud Places

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So you’re dancing in a club, or relaxing in a crowded pub on a Saturday night, and all of a sudden, you see your dream mate. Their skin shines like sweaty diamonds, their hair glistens in the strobe light, and you know you just have to get to know them. So you make your way across the room, shoving well-meaning partygoers aside like you’re Moses parting the Red Sea, and give this person your most suave, irresistible line. And they, of course, immediately reply with, “WHAT?? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

We have all experienced the inconvenience of trying to hold a conversation in a noisy place, and with the popularity of EDM music and constantly improving stereo systems, the problem is only going to get worse. So here are some helpful tips if you find yourself wanting to chew the fat while Fatboy Slim screams in your ear.

1. Try to find a quieter location
If you are just making introductions, this could be tricky, but if you’re just trying to chat with a friend, you can always try leading them to somewhere where the noise is less oppressive. Occasionally the actual bar is quieter, and if you smoke, popping outside for a quick one is always a good trick. If you’ve tried making introductions and the person still can’t hear you, try beckoning and saying “Follow me.” 50/50 if they actually go, but it’s worth a try! However, if you don’t smoke, or it’s too bitterly cold, or there’s just nowhere quiet to go, move on to tip #2.

Photo courtesy of Brooklyn Art Project http://www.brooklynartproject.com/photo/smoking-outside

Photo courtesy of Brooklyn Art Project http://www.brooklynartproject.com/photo/smoking-outside

2. Get really good at body language
I once had a man introduce himself by miming his first name (his name was Loki though, so maybe that’s an easy one). If you’re really good at charades, this is your way to go.

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3. Smile and nod even though you can’t hear
We all do this anyway, but it can get dangerous. You never know when somebody just told you their uncle died in a tragic coffee bean spill. So use this tip with caution.

4. Type to each other on your phones
I wonder why people don’t use this technique more. It’s just like passing notes in class! Just type something on your phone and hold it up for them to read. Bonus points if you find the app that says “Do you like me? Check yes, check no”

CheckYesNo

5. Don’t talk, just dance
Just jerk your head towards the dance floor, they’ll follow you, and then let your body do the talking. Hey it worked for Patrick Swayze, I’m sure it will work for you too.

6. Drink more
The universal language of alcoholism that holds us all together. Get your intended a shot and take it together. Instant connection. Unless it’s jäger. DO NOT BRING ANYONE JÄGER EVER.

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7. Yell
You’re going to be doing this if you’re drinking more anyway.

Lady Talk: How to Approach A Man Person-Dos and Dont’s

Bet SHE always asks the dudes to dance!

Bet SHE always asks the dudes to dance!

Hey ladies! It’s 2014, girls, and according to Beyoncé, we run the world, so it’s time we start taking charge. A survey in Cosmo (which we all know is our real Bible) shows that you DEFINITELY should start being more assertive in your womanly nightlife. Now, since many of us are still new to this, I’ve got some helpful dos and don’ts for all the heterosexual sistahs in the house (as we know the homosexual ladies have to have been asking each other out for quite some time). So if you see a gentleman you’re interested in at a soiree, here are some helpful tips on how to break the ice!

Do: Smile. And maybe even wave if you’re bold. Once a person catches your fancy, making warm eye contact is a great first step.
Don’t: Throw up gang signs for whatever crew you roll with, as this could cause disastrous and possibly lethal consequences. Trust me on this one.

Do: Compliment him on an item of clothing he’s wearing, such as the shirt of a band where you like their music, or a flattering pair of pants.
Don’t: Attempt to tear off said item of clothing to make off with it and sell it on EBay. I know it might have worked for you a few times, but the cops are catching on, gals.

Do: Ask him if he knows anyone at the bar, party, or club, as a way to introduce yourself to his friends.
Don’t: Ask him if he’s met The Lord on High, Xenu. You can save the indoctrination for after the third date.

Do: Make a light-hearted joke about the loud music, party, or crowds.
Don’t: Make a light-hearted joke about the firearm in your pocket, or your plans for armed robbery later.

Do: Invite him to dance
Don’t: Fire said pistol at his feet in order to make him dance for you, no matter what Yosemite Sam tells you.

Do: Laugh at his jokes, even if you can’t quite hear them.
Don’t: Exsanguinate him if he doesn’t laugh at your jokes.

Do: While dancing, look playfully into his eyes, filling his heart with fire and passion.
Don’t: Actually set him on fire.

Do not take advice from this man.

Do not take advice from this man.

 

Ten Things You Never Want to Hear Your Dance Partner Say

Dance floor chatter is usually limited to stuff like “Nice moves” and “Hey, have you seen Ian?  He was my ride.”  But there are certain things you never want to hear your dance partner say.

1.  “I love dancing.  It really makes me forget about my STD’s.”

2.  “So, is that roofie kicking in yet?”

3.  “You’re so strong.  I told the bouncer you could kick his ass no problem.”

4.  “You’re dancing?  I’m sorry.  I thought you were having a seizure.”

5.  “I’ll get the bartender’s attention.  Just let me fire off a few rounds.”

6.  “If you’re not homeless, why are you dressed that way?”

7.  “Hey, let’s go meet my mom.  She’s at the table behind you!”

8.  “I hope you have sex better than you dance.”

9.  “I told the DJ to play some more Miley Cyrus!”

10.  “Let’s get out of here after this song.  The fire I set should probably be spreading by then.”

Think you can do better? We know you can! Leave your terrible dance convo one liners below!

Seven Tips for Communicating in a Loud Club

There are few clubs that aren’t loud.  Some clubs actually have so many speakers and such volume, the vibrations permeate the walls clear into the bathroom stalls.  Is it any wonder none of the staff pays attention?  They’re probably all deaf.  But you’ve got your crew in tow and you’ve got to communicate.  How else are you going to go home with that hot chick holding the martini glass or that handsome bloke with open shirt and pecs?  Here now are some quick tips for communicating in a loud club.

1.  Texting:  Keep your cellphone handy, because it may be the only way you can tell your girlfriends that the guy you’ve been talking to just sprang for bottle service at the table.

2.  Hand Signals:  And you thought talking to deaf people was a waste of time!  Whether you know the entire deaf alphabet or are just good at charades, hand signals are an invaluable tool in loud situations.  Just ask Seal Team Six.

3.  Napkin Notes:  You knew there was a reason they kept giving you a napkin with your drink.  If it’s not to scrawl a note to your boys to tell them that you call dibbs on that cleavage queen you just spotted, then what good are they?  And remember, never leave that paper trail behind.

4.  Dancing:  While dancing isn’t the ideal communication method for every kind of message, it is great for giving your dance partner the message that you’d rather be grinding on him or her naked back at their place.

5.  Mouthing the Words:  Assuming you can get someone’s attention under the flashing lights and puffs of fake smoke, you might be able to mouth a message.  You don’t have to be a lip reader to get the basics.  Just remember that mouthing the word “talk”, as in, “Do you want to talk?” may send a mixed message as it also looks like a certain f-word.

6.  Tattoos:  Depending on what your ink looks like, you can get along pretty good in a club with just your arms and pointing.  It’ll make that tattoo of two people getting in a cab totally worth the $60.

7.  Your Bartender:  You’ve been tipping this guy non-stop for $12 Appletinis, the least he can do is deliver a message or two.  And it doesn’t always have to be about hooking up.  Deliver a drink to your friend and have the bartender pass on the message about what greasy spoon you’re going to hit at 3 am.  No night out is complete without pancakes!

 

Iconic Dance Moments You Know You’ve Tried To Recreate

Certain pop culture moments just stay with you after you’ve seen them. They’re not necessarily the best scenes from movies or television or music videos, but for whatever reason they’ve stuck with you over the years. Any of these scenes might’ve been part of your childhood experience or remind you of a certain point in your life. Maybe you’ve watched them over and over… maybe you and your friends tried to reenact them. (If you haven’t tried to recreate at least one of these moments then you probably at least wish you had.)

These are some of my iconic pop culture dance moments. If you’re near my age, you’ve probably done at least one of the things on this list.

The “lift” from Dirty Dancing
(especially in a swimming pool or lake)

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Any of the moves from the library scene in The Breakfast Club

BC1 BC2

Pee Wee Herman’s “Tequila!” dance

peewee

Will and Carlton’s “Apache” routine from Fresh Prince of Bel Air

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The Kid ‘N Play dance from House Party
(my personal favorite, I do this every chance I get)

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Snapping like you’re in a West Side Story gang

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Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video

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Were you born to hand-jive in Grease?

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Dancing on the bar like in Coyote Ugly
(Bonus points if you got more than two steps done before they kicked you out)

coyote ulgy

Dance without pants like Tom Cruise in Risky Business

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Fist pump like you were on The Jersey Shore

fistpump

Headbang in the car a la Wayne’s World

waynesworld

Anything John Travolta does in Saturday Night Fever

SNF

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke at the VMAs

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The Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club

Although club drinks tend to be insanely high, at least your brain cells are being killed by top shelf liquor that Jay-Z also drinks.  Club food, however, is a mix of the gourmet, the frozen and just plain odd.  Sure, you need some calories to shake that thang, but you can also get some later at the IHOP like a normal person.  Here now are the Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club.

1.  Pizza:  This isn’t someone’s dorm room.  Why the Hell would anyone want a long, floppy piece of bread, covered in sauce, cheese and tiny round meats, unless they have a burning desire to ruin an $800 Jovani sequin dress?  Not to mention the fact that you can probably buy an entire pie for the price of what the club will charge.

2.  Nachos:  Are we a group of stoned eighth graders in our parents’ basement?  And no matter how many degrees your chef has, he basically dumped this out of a bag and put cheese on them.

3.  Egg Rolls:  Oh, good.  It’s like a slice of pizza, except rolled up into a hot little food hand grenade that explodes the moment you bite into it.  That is, of course, that you don’t immediately sear your tongue off it, as it just came out of a deep fryer.

4.  Salad:  What health nut ordered this?  This is a dance club, not a lunch out with the girls.  Assuming you get that all into your salad hole without splashing dressing on your shoes, who wants to look at that empty bowl with a fork sticking out, just waiting to be knocked over by first clumsy guy trying to sit down next to you?

5.  Buffet Style Anything:  The dance club’s GM should have his head examined for offering up this disaster waiting to happen.  That’s just what a dance floor needs: people gingerly making their way back to their table with a plate piled high with free food.  What is this?  Your cousin’s wedding reception?

6.  Hot dogs:  Is this a night club or Yankee Stadium?  Even strip clubs serve more expensive food than this.  Hot dogs are worse than nothing.  They’re like an insult in food form.  “Ha, ha!  You paid the cover charge and this is all we’re giving you for free!”

7.  Fajitas:  Awesome!  Not only did you deliver food that requires a fork and can be put inside a soft taco shell where it might burst out and ruin clothes, you also managed to deliver a plate to the table that could cause third degree burns to anyone that touches it!  Why not just throw a bunch of hot coals at the table while you’re at it?

8.  Wings:  Yeah, let me get my hands completely covered in orange hot sauce.  Is this the dance club or a Super Bowl Party?  And who doesn’t want a pile of chicken bones as a centerpiece of the tiny table where you put your drinks?  Nothing says sophistication like a pile of half-eaten chicken remains and a greasy cellphone.

The Five Best and Worst Celebrities to Have as a Valentine

When it comes to Valentine’s Day and your s.o., things can get a bit routine.  Wouldn’t it be nice to share a romantic dinner with a famous person?  You could dodge the paparazzi and pretend like you don’t want your picture taken and put on a tabloid.  But then there are the drawbacks, like waiting backstage at a talk show and pretending Jimmy Kimmel is funny.  Here now are the Five Best and Worst Celebrities to Have as a Valentine.

Best:  Ryan Gosling:  It’s pretty easy to tune out the paparazzi and fans when you’re hypnotized by washboard abs.  And hey, even if he’s not romantic in real life, he’s an actor.  He can just pretend he’s a character that’s romantic in real life.

Worst:  Mickey Rourke:  You may remember that Mickey Rourke was the Ryan Gosling of his time.  That was before he dropped out of sight, became a boxer and had the ugly stick do a dance on his face.

Best:  Jennifer Lawrence:  Jennifer Lawrence is not only hot, but she’s got more charm than a thousand puppy dogs that were trained by George Clooney.  Well, read, talented and not the least bit pretentious; she’ll readily admit she’ll eat those chocolates you bought.

Worst:  Paris Hilton:  While not technically a celebrity, she is still famous.  Her insane wealth dictates that without insane wealth, you have little hope of impressing her.  Not to mention the danger of video taping her later.

Best:  Jake Gyllenhaal: Probably the only actor to give Jennifer Lawrence a run for her money in the charm department, Jake sweeter than the chocolate he’d probably buy for you.  Who wouldn’t ruin their current relationship to wake up with naked?

Worst:  Tim Tebow:  Yapping all night about football or Jesus is a lose-lose situation.  Sure he’s athletic, but what’s the point if all you’re going to do in the bedroom is watch TV?  Maybe you should pray for a Russell Wilson instead.

Best:  Alison Brie:  That sweet, girl-next-door look is like a ray of sunshine with a really nice rack.  Funny, talented and she can introduce you to the cast of Community.  Hopefully it will be Gillian Jacobs in her underwear.

Worst:  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino:  Wasn’t this musclehead’s fifteen minutes of fame up a half hour ago?  Only someone that’s fried their brain under a tan lamp for too long is going to sign up for this romantic fiasco.

Best:  Chris Evans:  You don’t want to date Captain America?  Are you some kind of commie?!  Evans took a shot from the handsome gun and got a full blast to the face and abs.  Plus who wouldn’t want to go to a screening of Winter Soldier with the star?

Worst:  Amanda Bynes:  Oh, sure, she’s cute, but that’s not going to get you out of the county lock up.  Assuming, of course, you don’t get put through the front windshield because you let her drive.

Ten of the Cheapest Valentine’s Day Gifts That Are Still Cool

The economy is in the tank and everyone is suffering, but that doesn’t mean your Valentine’s Day obligations are gone.  It just means you’re going to have to tighten the belt and get creative.  Sure, you can go without food for a few days to save up for a night out or you can think of something heartfelt that won’t cost you a cent.  Here now are Ten of the Cheapest Valentine’s Day Gifts That Are Still Cool. Oh, and these gift ideas are for the guys. We all know women invented this holiday just to get more presents.

1. A Song or Poem:  A sheet of paper and some brain power is all that is required.  That old guitar used to get you laid in college.  Now it saves you a $300 night out and your girlfriend is convinced you’re sensitive deep down.

2.  A Home Cooked Meal:  The best part of this, even if you screw it up, you get points for trying!  The Internet is full of step by step instructions that are a helluva lot cheaper than booking the good table at that sushi place.  Plus, you can get your food shopping done when you go to buy your ingredients.

3.  A Bouquet of Flowers You Grew:  This one requires a bit of pre-planning, but as long as you’re growing that kind bud in your closet, why not toss in some flower seeds in late January?  Just remember that smoking daffodils will probably not get you high.

4. A Memory Scrapbook:  Finally, something to justify all that time on Facebook you spent tagging pics.  Print them out, put them in a little book and chart the course of your relationship up until now.  Hey, you might need something to flip through when you’re 70 if you’re still together.

5. First Date Revamp:  Remember you first date?  You probably didn’t spend much on that.  Hey, you barely knew this person!  Time to go back and you won’t get penalized if you met a hotdog stand near the dry cleaners.

6. The Coupon Book:  You know all that stuff you hate to do that your s.o. is constantly bugging you about?  Well now you can put it in coupon form!  Sure, it’ll suck to finally have to clean the bathroom but giving massages and foot rubs aren’t so bad.  It might even get you laid!

7. Make Something Arty:  Don’t worry, they have to like it if they’re dating you, no matter how big of a talentless hack you are.  Finally that kiln you bought will pay for itself!  And it’s not like the stuff you posted on Etsy is selling anyways.

8.  Make a Grand Gesture:  Instead of sending a dozen roses and paying through the nose to have it delivered to your girl at work, show up with one rose and make a big deal in front of her co-workers.  It may be a little embarrassing, but it sure won’t cost much.

9.  Plan a Cozy Night at Home:  Netflix, a box of wine and some take out probably won’t set you back too much.  Plus you can both get totally hammered, you’re not going anywhere.  Sure, you might have to sit through The Notebook again, but at least you’ll probably get laid.

10.  Adventurous Sex:  Bust out the body oils and the scented candles, start with a massage and end with some smushing.  Yes, we just used the word smushing. And isn’t it high time you tried out some of those sex tools leftover from your girlfriend’s bachelorette party?  It’s the oldest gift in the book and boning is completely free.