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Ten Valentine’s Dates From Hell

Valentine’s Day is a day of romance.  But with everyone’s expectations so high, things can sometimes go horribly, horribly wrong.  Not Bruce Jenner plastic surgery wrong, but still pretty wrong.  Here now are Ten Valentine’s Dates From Hell.

1.  Dinner with the Folks:  There’s nothing that can kill romance and boners quicker than eating with an older version of yourself.  Whose idea was this?  Even your parents want to be alone today.

2.  Dinner at a Super Expensive Place That Sucks:  You finally got those reservations, you planned for weeks, saved your money—  Only one problem: Turns out that expensive place sucks worse than the losing contestants on Hell’s Kitchen.  You and your s.o. spend half the meal thinking of all the cool places you could’ve gone with that money and the food’s so bad, you don’t even ask for a doggie bag.

3.  Weekend at the Overbooked Bed and Breakfast:  It looked so cozy in the brochure, but it turns out that every other couple in the region has also booked this place.  With paper thin walls, you have a front row audio seat to the couple in the next room getting it on.  And by the time you get down stairs for breakfast, all the waffles are gone.

4.  Take Out and Netflix:  You thought a cozy night at home could be romantic.  Unfortunately, you can’t agree on what to watch and the February cold and slow delivery guy means your dinner is about as tepid as the romance.  You try to skip right to the sex, but it turns into a discussion about who cleans what and then a fight.  Happy V-day!

5.  Work Date Lunch:  You thought you’d surprise your s.o. with a work date lunch in the middle of the day.  While it does impress your s.o.’s co-workers, it doesn’t phase the no-life boss for whom he or she works.  You miss your reservations at the fancy lunch place and end up eating Wendy’s in the company break room.

6.  Dinner and the Ex:  You found the perfect restaurant, one of your faves.  Unfortunately, you forgot that your ex introduced you to that place.  You lock eyes with them from across the room and now there’s a whole weird vibe on everything.  You almost leave when the ex starts a competitive PDA contest with their s.o., but you manage to tough it out long enough to skip desert and get the Hell out.

7.  Home Cooked Meal Gone Wrong:  You followed all the instructions on the Internet, but managed to burn the whole damned meal.  Now there’s just a lot of crying and tension.  The mood is about as conducive to sex as stiletto heels are to running a marathon.

8. The Cliched Date:  Your s.o. went through a lot of trouble: chocolates, flowers and rose petals leading to the bed.  It’s a shame he’s less creative than an episode of Two Broke Girls.  His transparent attempt to get you in the sack is about as inspiring as his New Year’s Eve idea of going to Times Square.  Maybe it’s not too late to salvage your profile at Match.com.

9.  The Date That Goes Completely Overboard:  Dinner at a nice place would’ve been fine, but your s.o. spent a quarter of their yearly salary on this night.  Limo, drinks, a show, dinner, hotel and an embarrassing amount of gifts.  Seriously, a puppy and a kitten?  Now they’re fighting and peeing all over the place, while your s.o. tries to get the violin player out of the room so he can make his move.  Now you’ll be spending the next two months hearing how he’s “too broke” to take you anywhere.

10.  The Half-Ass V-Day Attempt:  You weren’t expecting much, but you were expecting an effort.  Your boyfriend unwisely attempts to call restaurants for a reservations ten minutes before you’re supposed to leave.  With no where else to go, you end up in that Sports Bar that he likes eating pub food and trying to talk over a hockey game.  Then he has the nerve to mutter, “Glad that’s over with” on the way back to the car.  Guess whose genitals go untouched that night?

Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club

Gentlemen, the dance club is your hunting ground and today we look at targets you should avoid.  Whether you want to take someone home to mom or just into the alley behind the dumpster for a quick hump, you should know the pitfalls before you end up on a very special episode of Dr. Phil.  Here now are the Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club. Read more

Tips on How to Have a Conversation In Loud Places

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So you’re dancing in a club, or relaxing in a crowded pub on a Saturday night, and all of a sudden, you see your dream mate. Their skin shines like sweaty diamonds, their hair glistens in the strobe light, and you know you just have to get to know them. So you make your way across the room, shoving well-meaning partygoers aside like you’re Moses parting the Red Sea, and give this person your most suave, irresistible line. And they, of course, immediately reply with, “WHAT?? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

We have all experienced the inconvenience of trying to hold a conversation in a noisy place, and with the popularity of EDM music and constantly improving stereo systems, the problem is only going to get worse. So here are some helpful tips if you find yourself wanting to chew the fat while Fatboy Slim screams in your ear.

1. Try to find a quieter location
If you are just making introductions, this could be tricky, but if you’re just trying to chat with a friend, you can always try leading them to somewhere where the noise is less oppressive. Occasionally the actual bar is quieter, and if you smoke, popping outside for a quick one is always a good trick. If you’ve tried making introductions and the person still can’t hear you, try beckoning and saying “Follow me.” 50/50 if they actually go, but it’s worth a try! However, if you don’t smoke, or it’s too bitterly cold, or there’s just nowhere quiet to go, move on to tip #2.

Photo courtesy of Brooklyn Art Project http://www.brooklynartproject.com/photo/smoking-outside

Photo courtesy of Brooklyn Art Project http://www.brooklynartproject.com/photo/smoking-outside

2. Get really good at body language
I once had a man introduce himself by miming his first name (his name was Loki though, so maybe that’s an easy one). If you’re really good at charades, this is your way to go.

Charades_LargeWide
3. Smile and nod even though you can’t hear
We all do this anyway, but it can get dangerous. You never know when somebody just told you their uncle died in a tragic coffee bean spill. So use this tip with caution.

4. Type to each other on your phones
I wonder why people don’t use this technique more. It’s just like passing notes in class! Just type something on your phone and hold it up for them to read. Bonus points if you find the app that says “Do you like me? Check yes, check no”

CheckYesNo

5. Don’t talk, just dance
Just jerk your head towards the dance floor, they’ll follow you, and then let your body do the talking. Hey it worked for Patrick Swayze, I’m sure it will work for you too.

6. Drink more
The universal language of alcoholism that holds us all together. Get your intended a shot and take it together. Instant connection. Unless it’s jäger. DO NOT BRING ANYONE JÄGER EVER.

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7. Yell
You’re going to be doing this if you’re drinking more anyway.

20 Horrible Ways To Get A Girl To Dance With You

You and your boys are at the club, dancing up a storm. But for some reason none of the girls there are interested in dancing with you (and you thought the worm would get any girl excited). You’re going to have to take drastic measures to dance with a girl tonight. Just don’t try any of the ideas below.

1. Tape dollar bills to your chest.
2. Dare them to do it.
3. Tell them their butt’s on fire and you have to grind it out.
4. Dress up like their best friend and sneak on the dance floor.
5. Pay them $50 to dance with you.
6. Have your friends create a wall of bodies to keep her on the dance floor at all times.
7. Hook a bungee cord in between your belts.
8. Hire a hypnotist .
9. Take her family hostage and demand she dance for their freedom.
10. Pay her $100 on top of that $50 to not call the cops.
11. Bribe the DJ to play her favorite song all night long.
12. Threaten to dance with little sister if she doesn’t.
13. Use a lasso.
14. Get a devil to possess her.
15. Ask a ouija board to see if she a ghost will come down and make her dance with you.
16. Turn off all the lights in the club so she can’t see who she is dancing with.
17. Grease the dance floor so she slides into your arms
18. Hire actors to pretend to be terrorists taking over the club and her one chance to save the hostages is to break it down.
19. Build a time machine to make you King of All That Dance.
20. Hide a magnet in her purse and wear your large metal belt buckle.

Ten Pick Up Lines So Awful They’re Good

Ultimately, pick up lines are meaningless, as most women make up their minds about you in the first five seconds.  But there are certain lines that are just so bad, they’re kind of endearing if you use them right.  Here now are Ten Pick Up Lines So Awful They’re Good.

1.  “Nice dress.  It would look better crumpled up on my floor.”  Turn your delivery to maximum smartass, if you expect to get away with this without looking too aggressive or creepy.  If she let’s you hang out, you’re probably in.

2.  “Did you fall from heaven?  Because I really think we should have sex.”  This one doesn’t need 100% confidence, but it does need a fun and light delivery.  Just make sure you reapply your Axe cologne if you get slapped.

3.  “Are you a hard worker?  I have an opening you can fill.”  Generally, ladies don’t need pick up lines.  Guys will pretty much talk to anyone that bats their eyes at them.  Still, if you want to prove you’re just as cheesy.

4.  “Do you believe in love in first sight or should I walk past you again?”  Funny and light, but the less aggressive tone opens the door for a big turn down.  You need to catch her off guard.  If she shows off in front of her friends, you’ll be trying this at the other end of the bar.

5.  “Great legs.  What time do they open?”  It’s dangerous to spout something this vulgar, but then again, women love to “fix” scumbags.  If you can pull off the “handsome rogue” persona, you’re probably in.

6.  “Can I buy you a drink?  I’m much more handsome after alcohol.”  This one is slightly self-deprecating, which is good.  However, it does open you up to a zinger like, “No, thanks.  There’s not enough alcohol in this city to make you handsome.”

7.  “Are you a parking ticket?  Because you got FINE written all over you!”  It’s funny, cheesy and not at all aggressive.  It’s not likely to get a zinger response.  Worst case scenario, she just laughs like you’re being stupid and goes back to her Appletini.  You may not get to see boobs, but at least you’ll get a laugh.

8.  “Can you give me directions?  Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.”  Supremely cheesy and you run the risk of getting cut off half way through with “Yeah, get lost.”  But it is a compliment about her eyes and women take to compliments like a crack addict takes to crack.

9.  “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”  Again, you cannot go wrong with a line that is basically a compliment.  What is she going to retort with?  “No I’m not!?”  It’s more likely she’ll say something like, “Does that line actually work?”  To which you can respond, “I’m talking to you aren’t I?”

10.  “Can I have your phone number?  I’ve seem to have lost mine.”  Classic cheesiness, but it establishes what you want in one sentence.  You might have to banter a bit to actually get her digits, but alcohol tends to loosen lips and you’re probably in a bar anyways.

 

The Best Wedding Dances From Movies

Wedding movies range from romantic to funny to bittersweet… but one thing that is always memorable is the dancing! Here are some of the most memorable wedding dances from movies…

Hitch 

These dance moves from Will Smith and Kevin James are so bad, they’re good.

Wedding Crashers

This wedding montage makes wedding crashing look like a lot of fun…

The Wedding Singer

There’s nothing cheesier than an ’80s wedding!

Bridesmaids

Wilson Phillips make you want to hold on for one more day

Bend It Like Beckham

What’s the only thing more fun than dancing at your sister’s wedding? Winning your big soccer game.

Bride and Prejudice

In this Pride and Prejudice remake done Bollywood style, every dance scene is epic, but this might be the best one…

The Wedding Date 

Not technically a wedding dance, but they’re at a dance lesson before the wedding…

You Again

Another pre-wedding dance lesson, but this scene is a lot more… violent… than the one above.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm_AzxSTeUA

American Wedding

This scene from American Wedding is sweet…

… but this was really the best dancing moment from that film!

Ten Things You Never Want to Hear Your Dance Partner Say

Dance floor chatter is usually limited to stuff like “Nice moves” and “Hey, have you seen Ian?  He was my ride.”  But there are certain things you never want to hear your dance partner say.

1.  “I love dancing.  It really makes me forget about my STD’s.”

2.  “So, is that roofie kicking in yet?”

3.  “You’re so strong.  I told the bouncer you could kick his ass no problem.”

4.  “You’re dancing?  I’m sorry.  I thought you were having a seizure.”

5.  “I’ll get the bartender’s attention.  Just let me fire off a few rounds.”

6.  “If you’re not homeless, why are you dressed that way?”

7.  “Hey, let’s go meet my mom.  She’s at the table behind you!”

8.  “I hope you have sex better than you dance.”

9.  “I told the DJ to play some more Miley Cyrus!”

10.  “Let’s get out of here after this song.  The fire I set should probably be spreading by then.”

Think you can do better? We know you can! Leave your terrible dance convo one liners below!

Seven Tips for Communicating in a Loud Club

There are few clubs that aren’t loud.  Some clubs actually have so many speakers and such volume, the vibrations permeate the walls clear into the bathroom stalls.  Is it any wonder none of the staff pays attention?  They’re probably all deaf.  But you’ve got your crew in tow and you’ve got to communicate.  How else are you going to go home with that hot chick holding the martini glass or that handsome bloke with open shirt and pecs?  Here now are some quick tips for communicating in a loud club.

1.  Texting:  Keep your cellphone handy, because it may be the only way you can tell your girlfriends that the guy you’ve been talking to just sprang for bottle service at the table.

2.  Hand Signals:  And you thought talking to deaf people was a waste of time!  Whether you know the entire deaf alphabet or are just good at charades, hand signals are an invaluable tool in loud situations.  Just ask Seal Team Six.

3.  Napkin Notes:  You knew there was a reason they kept giving you a napkin with your drink.  If it’s not to scrawl a note to your boys to tell them that you call dibbs on that cleavage queen you just spotted, then what good are they?  And remember, never leave that paper trail behind.

4.  Dancing:  While dancing isn’t the ideal communication method for every kind of message, it is great for giving your dance partner the message that you’d rather be grinding on him or her naked back at their place.

5.  Mouthing the Words:  Assuming you can get someone’s attention under the flashing lights and puffs of fake smoke, you might be able to mouth a message.  You don’t have to be a lip reader to get the basics.  Just remember that mouthing the word “talk”, as in, “Do you want to talk?” may send a mixed message as it also looks like a certain f-word.

6.  Tattoos:  Depending on what your ink looks like, you can get along pretty good in a club with just your arms and pointing.  It’ll make that tattoo of two people getting in a cab totally worth the $60.

7.  Your Bartender:  You’ve been tipping this guy non-stop for $12 Appletinis, the least he can do is deliver a message or two.  And it doesn’t always have to be about hooking up.  Deliver a drink to your friend and have the bartender pass on the message about what greasy spoon you’re going to hit at 3 am.  No night out is complete without pancakes!

 

Iconic Dance Moments You Know You’ve Tried To Recreate

Certain pop culture moments just stay with you after you’ve seen them. They’re not necessarily the best scenes from movies or television or music videos, but for whatever reason they’ve stuck with you over the years. Any of these scenes might’ve been part of your childhood experience or remind you of a certain point in your life. Maybe you’ve watched them over and over… maybe you and your friends tried to reenact them. (If you haven’t tried to recreate at least one of these moments then you probably at least wish you had.)

These are some of my iconic pop culture dance moments. If you’re near my age, you’ve probably done at least one of the things on this list.

The “lift” from Dirty Dancing
(especially in a swimming pool or lake)

dirtydancing

Any of the moves from the library scene in The Breakfast Club

BC1 BC2

Pee Wee Herman’s “Tequila!” dance

peewee

Will and Carlton’s “Apache” routine from Fresh Prince of Bel Air

20121203203449!Jump_on_itFP

The Kid ‘N Play dance from House Party
(my personal favorite, I do this every chance I get)

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Snapping like you’re in a West Side Story gang

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Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video

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Were you born to hand-jive in Grease?

handjive

Dancing on the bar like in Coyote Ugly
(Bonus points if you got more than two steps done before they kicked you out)

coyote ulgy

Dance without pants like Tom Cruise in Risky Business

risky

Fist pump like you were on The Jersey Shore

fistpump

Headbang in the car a la Wayne’s World

waynesworld

Anything John Travolta does in Saturday Night Fever

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Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke at the VMAs

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The Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club

Although club drinks tend to be insanely high, at least your brain cells are being killed by top shelf liquor that Jay-Z also drinks.  Club food, however, is a mix of the gourmet, the frozen and just plain odd.  Sure, you need some calories to shake that thang, but you can also get some later at the IHOP like a normal person.  Here now are the Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club.

1.  Pizza:  This isn’t someone’s dorm room.  Why the Hell would anyone want a long, floppy piece of bread, covered in sauce, cheese and tiny round meats, unless they have a burning desire to ruin an $800 Jovani sequin dress?  Not to mention the fact that you can probably buy an entire pie for the price of what the club will charge.

2.  Nachos:  Are we a group of stoned eighth graders in our parents’ basement?  And no matter how many degrees your chef has, he basically dumped this out of a bag and put cheese on them.

3.  Egg Rolls:  Oh, good.  It’s like a slice of pizza, except rolled up into a hot little food hand grenade that explodes the moment you bite into it.  That is, of course, that you don’t immediately sear your tongue off it, as it just came out of a deep fryer.

4.  Salad:  What health nut ordered this?  This is a dance club, not a lunch out with the girls.  Assuming you get that all into your salad hole without splashing dressing on your shoes, who wants to look at that empty bowl with a fork sticking out, just waiting to be knocked over by first clumsy guy trying to sit down next to you?

5.  Buffet Style Anything:  The dance club’s GM should have his head examined for offering up this disaster waiting to happen.  That’s just what a dance floor needs: people gingerly making their way back to their table with a plate piled high with free food.  What is this?  Your cousin’s wedding reception?

6.  Hot dogs:  Is this a night club or Yankee Stadium?  Even strip clubs serve more expensive food than this.  Hot dogs are worse than nothing.  They’re like an insult in food form.  “Ha, ha!  You paid the cover charge and this is all we’re giving you for free!”

7.  Fajitas:  Awesome!  Not only did you deliver food that requires a fork and can be put inside a soft taco shell where it might burst out and ruin clothes, you also managed to deliver a plate to the table that could cause third degree burns to anyone that touches it!  Why not just throw a bunch of hot coals at the table while you’re at it?

8.  Wings:  Yeah, let me get my hands completely covered in orange hot sauce.  Is this the dance club or a Super Bowl Party?  And who doesn’t want a pile of chicken bones as a centerpiece of the tiny table where you put your drinks?  Nothing says sophistication like a pile of half-eaten chicken remains and a greasy cellphone.