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Tips on Fighting Your Way Out of a Dance Club During a Zombie Apocalypse

The zombies are coming, it’s only a question of when.  The Walking Dead isn’t just a horrible drama on AMC, it’s an instruction manual on what to look for in a zombie apocalypse.  (Hang with the guy with the crossbow.)  But you’re not some Georgia redneck in the woods, you’re an urban club goer.  You’ll probably be three martinis deep when the undead burst onto the dance floor and start biting everyone in the club.  Here now are Tips for Fighting Your Way Out of a Dance Club During a Zombie Apocalypse.

1. Get your back to a wall:  Even if you’re stuck in the restroom, you need to keep the potential zombies in front of you where you can see them.  With all the lights and noise, you’re not going to hear them coming up behind you so eliminate that threat.

2. Grab a weapon:  Potential weapons found in the club, best to worst:  Fire extinguisher, table leg, knife from the bar, piece of sculpture that’s club-shaped, whiskey bottle and finally, your purse.  Come to think of it, forget the purse unless you’ve got a metal nail file in there.  You’re probably better off punching the zombies with your fist.

3. Repeat the zombie rules:  Remember, there are women here and many of them have not seen a lot of the zombie movies you have.  “Do not let them bite you!  Aim for the head!  Double tap to make sure they’re dead!”  Even the most remedial zombie fighter should be able to grasp these instructions.

4. Head for the roof:  Unless there’s an obvious exit that isn’t choked with panicking club goers or hordes of undead, the roof is your best bet.  Keep control of the access door, find a fire axe and cut out several steps.  Live humans can jump the gap in the steps, but zombies will just fall right through.  And if you have to get off the roof, there’s bound to be a ladder or fire escape that is zombie-free.

5.  Avoid dead ends:  Hiding in the restroom or the DJ booth might seem like a great idea during the initial attack, but these areas are death traps in the club.  With no escape, the zombies will eventually kill everyone, doubling or tripling their numbers, making it easy for them to push their way into whatever little space you thought was safe.

6.  Hit the lights:  What would really help distinguish your average club goer from a blood-thirsty corpse is regular lighting.  Strobe lights and colored lights just confuse everything, so if there’s anyway you can turn up the lights so everyone can see what’s happening in the chaos, you might actually help yourself and others survive.

7.  Ditch the high heels:  Those $300 pumps looked great walking in, but they are useless when trying to outrun a mob of shambling undead guys.  The last thing you need is to break a heel trying to run away.

8.  Cover up:  Zombies are going to try to bite you, so if you can get to your jacket put it on.  The less skin you expose, the less vulnerable you are.

Bonus Tips:  Things Not to Do

1.  Don’t light the zombies on fire:  This just makes them scream more and light other things on fire.

2.  Don’t follow the bouncers:  They’ll be heading right for the zombies under the false impression that they’ll be able to stop them.

3.  Don’t trust someone that got bit:  Someone who is bit will soon be a zombie.  Keep your distance and don’t turn your back.  You’ll be bashing this person’s skull in momentarily.

4.  Don’t bother  to call the cops or EMT’s:  Since it’s unlikely patient zero was in the club at the time of the first infection, it’s quite likely the cops have their hands full all over the city.  Most of the EMT’s and hospital staff are probably dead already anyway.  Anyone that still answers the phone is not going to believe what’s happening until it’s too late.  Call your friends and relatives with guns if you call anybody.

 

 

 

Ten Things You Never Want to Hear Your Dance Partner Say

Dance floor chatter is usually limited to stuff like “Nice moves” and “Hey, have you seen Ian?  He was my ride.”  But there are certain things you never want to hear your dance partner say.

1.  “I love dancing.  It really makes me forget about my STD’s.”

2.  “So, is that roofie kicking in yet?”

3.  “You’re so strong.  I told the bouncer you could kick his ass no problem.”

4.  “You’re dancing?  I’m sorry.  I thought you were having a seizure.”

5.  “I’ll get the bartender’s attention.  Just let me fire off a few rounds.”

6.  “If you’re not homeless, why are you dressed that way?”

7.  “Hey, let’s go meet my mom.  She’s at the table behind you!”

8.  “I hope you have sex better than you dance.”

9.  “I told the DJ to play some more Miley Cyrus!”

10.  “Let’s get out of here after this song.  The fire I set should probably be spreading by then.”

Think you can do better? We know you can! Leave your terrible dance convo one liners below!

The Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club

Although club drinks tend to be insanely high, at least your brain cells are being killed by top shelf liquor that Jay-Z also drinks.  Club food, however, is a mix of the gourmet, the frozen and just plain odd.  Sure, you need some calories to shake that thang, but you can also get some later at the IHOP like a normal person.  Here now are the Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club.

1.  Pizza:  This isn’t someone’s dorm room.  Why the Hell would anyone want a long, floppy piece of bread, covered in sauce, cheese and tiny round meats, unless they have a burning desire to ruin an $800 Jovani sequin dress?  Not to mention the fact that you can probably buy an entire pie for the price of what the club will charge.

2.  Nachos:  Are we a group of stoned eighth graders in our parents’ basement?  And no matter how many degrees your chef has, he basically dumped this out of a bag and put cheese on them.

3.  Egg Rolls:  Oh, good.  It’s like a slice of pizza, except rolled up into a hot little food hand grenade that explodes the moment you bite into it.  That is, of course, that you don’t immediately sear your tongue off it, as it just came out of a deep fryer.

4.  Salad:  What health nut ordered this?  This is a dance club, not a lunch out with the girls.  Assuming you get that all into your salad hole without splashing dressing on your shoes, who wants to look at that empty bowl with a fork sticking out, just waiting to be knocked over by first clumsy guy trying to sit down next to you?

5.  Buffet Style Anything:  The dance club’s GM should have his head examined for offering up this disaster waiting to happen.  That’s just what a dance floor needs: people gingerly making their way back to their table with a plate piled high with free food.  What is this?  Your cousin’s wedding reception?

6.  Hot dogs:  Is this a night club or Yankee Stadium?  Even strip clubs serve more expensive food than this.  Hot dogs are worse than nothing.  They’re like an insult in food form.  “Ha, ha!  You paid the cover charge and this is all we’re giving you for free!”

7.  Fajitas:  Awesome!  Not only did you deliver food that requires a fork and can be put inside a soft taco shell where it might burst out and ruin clothes, you also managed to deliver a plate to the table that could cause third degree burns to anyone that touches it!  Why not just throw a bunch of hot coals at the table while you’re at it?

8.  Wings:  Yeah, let me get my hands completely covered in orange hot sauce.  Is this the dance club or a Super Bowl Party?  And who doesn’t want a pile of chicken bones as a centerpiece of the tiny table where you put your drinks?  Nothing says sophistication like a pile of half-eaten chicken remains and a greasy cellphone.

10 Reasons Going to a Club is Like Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is returning to the wasteland that is television and not a moment too soon.  Just like GOT fans are waiting for the dragons to start roasting Kings Landing, so too are party goers anxious to get inside the best clubs.  And dance clubs are a lot like Westerors if you look close.  Here now are Ten Reasons Going to the Club is like Game of Thrones.

1.  Getting inside the club is like getting past the Wall and the Black Watch:  Like the Black Watch, bouncers swear off of drinking and women.  And like everyone on Game of Thrones, they’re violent and will try and kill you if given the flimsiest of excuse.

2. Like Game of Thrones, there are tons of scantily clad people:  There’s enough sex, nudity and dudity in Game of Thrones to fill several page of the Mr. Skin website.  Pass enough vodka tonics out and you’ll pretty much get the same thing in your local club’s restrooms on a Friday night.

3.  Spending money like the Lannisters gets results:  You might have a great personality, but nothing erases ugly like money in the club.  Tyrion didn’t get all the hot chicks by being poor and short and neither will you when you hit the clubs. 

4.  Watch where you put your “sword”:  In GoT, people get into a lot of trouble thinking with the little sword.  You can get in way more trouble on the dance floor.  Nothing says “creepy” like getting too excited in the pants and swinging it around.  Remember to rest and cool off in between grinding.

5.  If you want to be king or king of the dance floor, you need magic:  Stanis has his crazy, red-headed witch woman, you’re going to need someone to dance with that’s just as striking.  And like her spells, her moves better be deadly and involve brief nudity.

6. Unlike Theron Greyjoy, sometimes you might want to get “cut off”:  Sure, it’s fun to get a little buzzed and dance the night away but watch out who you go home with. If it’s not your long lost sister, it might just be a crazy psychopath that you’re getting into bed with. And unlike Taken, if you wake up alone in a dungeon, Liam Neeson won’t be there to save you. Sometimes, you might just have to thank that bartender for “cutting you off.”

7. There’s always one rich guy being a jackass:  He’s not King Jeoffrey.  He’s worse.  Whether he’s the son of a sheik, a Russian mobster or Will Smith, he’ll be making it rain and dominating the bottle service.  Stay away, unless you want to get a drunken putdown and have a fist full of hundreds thrown derisively into your face.

8. The party, like winter, is coming:  And if you live on the East Coast, the party, like winter, never seems to end.  So unless your apartment is stocked with whiskey and Netflix, it’s time to hit the club to find someone warm to rub against.  And if you can brave the storm, much like Little Finger, you’ll have your pick of the ladies.

9. Never discount the weirdos:  The Hound, Tyrion, Jamie Lannister—  It seems like those with the biggest disfigurements are always the most interesting characters.  That’s why you should never count out the weirdos in the club.  Just because some dude is 300 lbs with a bright pink goatee, doesn’t mean it’s not totally worth chatting up.  Of course, if he smells like Hodor, that’s probably a deal killer.

10. Like the queen, MILF’s are not to be ignored:  The Queen of Westeros’ machinations drive the Royal Court according to her whim.  Thus it is similar with MILF’s that have been in your local club’s scene for a few years.  Sure, shes’ got some miles on her, but she wears that Cougar Life well.  Like the Queen, don’t cross her unless you want your rep to be mud.

Bonus! You never know who is going to disappear:  In GoT, characters disappear all the time, never to return.  In a club scene, you never know when two people might pair up and disappear forever.  Marriage, like a cover charge, can be an expensive thing, whether the wedding is as joyous as Tyrion saving the kingdom or as bloody as the Red Wedding.

Ten Terrible Dance Club Themes

We’ve all been to our share of terrible clubs. But before they create a new reality show called “Nightclub Impossible”, let’s all agree that we can eliminate these terrible dance club themes.

1.  Phat:  Aren’t you sick of clubs that have too many good looking people?  The bouncers at Phat never let anyone under 250 lbs through the door!  And you can get all the cocktails in regular or milkshake form!

2.  Geri’s:  The hottest club for geriatric seniors is now open late until 6pm!  Here you’ll groove to the hottest new releases your grandmother remembers.  It’s bar is fully stocked and a licensed pharmacists is standing by to make sure every dancer doesn’t miss a pill!  Absolutely no one under 55 admitted!

3.  Hot Plate:  Tired of going to dance clubs where everyone just stands around and drinks?  Then you gotta get to Hot Plate!  Upon entering, everyone checks their shoes at the door and when the music starts, we super heat the conductive metal floor!  You’ll dance or you’ll burn!

4.  Asteroids:  Do you lift, bro?  Well, you bettah!  Because no one enters this club without bench pressing 250 pounds, bro!  So what if not that many women get in?  It’s not gay, bro!  No weaklings in this club!

5.  Coldcuts!:  The first deli-theme dance club.  Sure, it’s a little cold, but it would have to be to store all this meat!  Everyone is for sale in this cool club in the Meatpacking District. Just grab a ticket at the bar/counter and buy any piece of meat, I mean person. Puzzling club economists everywhere, prices go down as the pounds go up.

6.  Pretentious:  This is obviously the most important club that has ever been built.  I’m sorry, but if you don’t already know about it, I can’t tell you about it.  The bouncers cannot let you in.  You have to already be in to get in.  But if you did know about it, you’d already know it was the best!

7.  The Wolf of Wall Street Nightclub:  Based on the critically acclaimed movie!  Have a wild time, just like those brokers!  Nothing is off limits in this club!  Drugs!  Booze!  Drugs!  Women!  Drugs!  Insider trading!  Then finish the night by being arrested by Federal agents and having your house and property seized!

8.  Boniface:  Party all night at the only dance club whose theme is based after 6th century pope, Boniface II!  Some people will tell you it was modeled after Boniface I or Boniface the III, but those on the “in” know that Boniface II was the one true party pontiff!  So get down to Boniface and be saved…from a boring night out!

9. Pitch Black:  This darkness-themed club has no windows and no lights!  It’s BYOB at PB, because good luck finding the bar!  You’ll love the feel of our decor, created by one of the hottest blind interior designers in the city! Everyone is a 10 at Pitch Black!

10.  Insanity!:  Some clubs claim to be insane and give you a crazy night out, but Insanity truly delivers!  Here, the bouncers are called “orderlies” and wear white uniforms.  Each dancer is escorted into the club, checked for sharp objects and then set loose on one of six padded dance floors!  You won’t hear music at first, but after one of our bartenders administers Insanity’s patented “calmer”, you’ll hear lots of things!   Mostly, you’re own screaming!

Bonus! 

11.  Barn Raiser:  The area’s only Amish themed nightclub opens sharp at 4am!  BR’s dances include literally churning the butter!  Want to sit down?  Better get to work crafting a seat by hand!  There’s not power tools or music because there’s no electricity!  DJ Jebediah just quotes Bible verses and he can quote them all afternoon long!