Gentlemen, the dance club is your hunting ground and today we look at targets you should avoid. Whether you want to take someone home to mom or just into the alley behind the dumpster for a quick hump, you should know the pitfalls before you end up on a very special episode of Dr. Phil. Here now are the Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club. Read more
Dance floor chatter is usually limited to stuff like “Nice moves” and “Hey, have you seen Ian? He was my ride.” But there are certain things you never want to hear your dance partner say.
1. “I love dancing. It really makes me forget about my STD’s.”
2. “So, is that roofie kicking in yet?”
3. “You’re so strong. I told the bouncer you could kick his ass no problem.”
4. “You’re dancing? I’m sorry. I thought you were having a seizure.”
5. “I’ll get the bartender’s attention. Just let me fire off a few rounds.”
6. “If you’re not homeless, why are you dressed that way?”
7. “Hey, let’s go meet my mom. She’s at the table behind you!”
8. “I hope you have sex better than you dance.”
9. “I told the DJ to play some more Miley Cyrus!”
10. “Let’s get out of here after this song. The fire I set should probably be spreading by then.”
Think you can do better? We know you can! Leave your terrible dance convo one liners below!
There are few clubs that aren’t loud. Some clubs actually have so many speakers and such volume, the vibrations permeate the walls clear into the bathroom stalls. Is it any wonder none of the staff pays attention? They’re probably all deaf. But you’ve got your crew in tow and you’ve got to communicate. How else are you going to go home with that hot chick holding the martini glass or that handsome bloke with open shirt and pecs? Here now are some quick tips for communicating in a loud club.
1. Texting: Keep your cellphone handy, because it may be the only way you can tell your girlfriends that the guy you’ve been talking to just sprang for bottle service at the table.
2. Hand Signals: And you thought talking to deaf people was a waste of time! Whether you know the entire deaf alphabet or are just good at charades, hand signals are an invaluable tool in loud situations. Just ask Seal Team Six.
3. Napkin Notes: You knew there was a reason they kept giving you a napkin with your drink. If it’s not to scrawl a note to your boys to tell them that you call dibbs on that cleavage queen you just spotted, then what good are they? And remember, never leave that paper trail behind.
4. Dancing: While dancing isn’t the ideal communication method for every kind of message, it is great for giving your dance partner the message that you’d rather be grinding on him or her naked back at their place.
5. Mouthing the Words: Assuming you can get someone’s attention under the flashing lights and puffs of fake smoke, you might be able to mouth a message. You don’t have to be a lip reader to get the basics. Just remember that mouthing the word “talk”, as in, “Do you want to talk?” may send a mixed message as it also looks like a certain f-word.
6. Tattoos: Depending on what your ink looks like, you can get along pretty good in a club with just your arms and pointing. It’ll make that tattoo of two people getting in a cab totally worth the $60.
7. Your Bartender: You’ve been tipping this guy non-stop for $12 Appletinis, the least he can do is deliver a message or two. And it doesn’t always have to be about hooking up. Deliver a drink to your friend and have the bartender pass on the message about what greasy spoon you’re going to hit at 3 am. No night out is complete without pancakes!
Although club drinks tend to be insanely high, at least your brain cells are being killed by top shelf liquor that Jay-Z also drinks. Club food, however, is a mix of the gourmet, the frozen and just plain odd. Sure, you need some calories to shake that thang, but you can also get some later at the IHOP like a normal person. Here now are the Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club.
1. Pizza: This isn’t someone’s dorm room. Why the Hell would anyone want a long, floppy piece of bread, covered in sauce, cheese and tiny round meats, unless they have a burning desire to ruin an $800 Jovani sequin dress? Not to mention the fact that you can probably buy an entire pie for the price of what the club will charge.
2. Nachos: Are we a group of stoned eighth graders in our parents’ basement? And no matter how many degrees your chef has, he basically dumped this out of a bag and put cheese on them.
3. Egg Rolls: Oh, good. It’s like a slice of pizza, except rolled up into a hot little food hand grenade that explodes the moment you bite into it. That is, of course, that you don’t immediately sear your tongue off it, as it just came out of a deep fryer.
4. Salad: What health nut ordered this? This is a dance club, not a lunch out with the girls. Assuming you get that all into your salad hole without splashing dressing on your shoes, who wants to look at that empty bowl with a fork sticking out, just waiting to be knocked over by first clumsy guy trying to sit down next to you?
5. Buffet Style Anything: The dance club’s GM should have his head examined for offering up this disaster waiting to happen. That’s just what a dance floor needs: people gingerly making their way back to their table with a plate piled high with free food. What is this? Your cousin’s wedding reception?
6. Hot dogs: Is this a night club or Yankee Stadium? Even strip clubs serve more expensive food than this. Hot dogs are worse than nothing. They’re like an insult in food form. “Ha, ha! You paid the cover charge and this is all we’re giving you for free!”
7. Fajitas: Awesome! Not only did you deliver food that requires a fork and can be put inside a soft taco shell where it might burst out and ruin clothes, you also managed to deliver a plate to the table that could cause third degree burns to anyone that touches it! Why not just throw a bunch of hot coals at the table while you’re at it?
8. Wings: Yeah, let me get my hands completely covered in orange hot sauce. Is this the dance club or a Super Bowl Party? And who doesn’t want a pile of chicken bones as a centerpiece of the tiny table where you put your drinks? Nothing says sophistication like a pile of half-eaten chicken remains and a greasy cellphone.
Game of Thrones is returning to the wasteland that is television and not a moment too soon. Just like GOT fans are waiting for the dragons to start roasting Kings Landing, so too are party goers anxious to get inside the best clubs. And dance clubs are a lot like Westerors if you look close. Here now are Ten Reasons Going to the Club is like Game of Thrones.
1. Getting inside the club is like getting past the Wall and the Black Watch: Like the Black Watch, bouncers swear off of drinking and women. And like everyone on Game of Thrones, they’re violent and will try and kill you if given the flimsiest of excuse.
2. Like Game of Thrones, there are tons of scantily clad people: There’s enough sex, nudity and dudity in Game of Thrones to fill several page of the Mr. Skin website. Pass enough vodka tonics out and you’ll pretty much get the same thing in your local club’s restrooms on a Friday night.
3. Spending money like the Lannisters gets results: You might have a great personality, but nothing erases ugly like money in the club. Tyrion didn’t get all the hot chicks by being poor and short and neither will you when you hit the clubs.
4. Watch where you put your “sword”: In GoT, people get into a lot of trouble thinking with the little sword. You can get in way more trouble on the dance floor. Nothing says “creepy” like getting too excited in the pants and swinging it around. Remember to rest and cool off in between grinding.
5. If you want to be king or king of the dance floor, you need magic: Stanis has his crazy, red-headed witch woman, you’re going to need someone to dance with that’s just as striking. And like her spells, her moves better be deadly and involve brief nudity.
6. Unlike Theron Greyjoy, sometimes you might want to get “cut off”: Sure, it’s fun to get a little buzzed and dance the night away but watch out who you go home with. If it’s not your long lost sister, it might just be a crazy psychopath that you’re getting into bed with. And unlike Taken, if you wake up alone in a dungeon, Liam Neeson won’t be there to save you. Sometimes, you might just have to thank that bartender for “cutting you off.”
7. There’s always one rich guy being a jackass: He’s not King Jeoffrey. He’s worse. Whether he’s the son of a sheik, a Russian mobster or Will Smith, he’ll be making it rain and dominating the bottle service. Stay away, unless you want to get a drunken putdown and have a fist full of hundreds thrown derisively into your face.
8. The party, like winter, is coming: And if you live on the East Coast, the party, like winter, never seems to end. So unless your apartment is stocked with whiskey and Netflix, it’s time to hit the club to find someone warm to rub against. And if you can brave the storm, much like Little Finger, you’ll have your pick of the ladies.
9. Never discount the weirdos: The Hound, Tyrion, Jamie Lannister— It seems like those with the biggest disfigurements are always the most interesting characters. That’s why you should never count out the weirdos in the club. Just because some dude is 300 lbs with a bright pink goatee, doesn’t mean it’s not totally worth chatting up. Of course, if he smells like Hodor, that’s probably a deal killer.
10. Like the queen, MILF’s are not to be ignored: The Queen of Westeros’ machinations drive the Royal Court according to her whim. Thus it is similar with MILF’s that have been in your local club’s scene for a few years. Sure, shes’ got some miles on her, but she wears that Cougar Life well. Like the Queen, don’t cross her unless you want your rep to be mud.
Bonus! You never know who is going to disappear: In GoT, characters disappear all the time, never to return. In a club scene, you never know when two people might pair up and disappear forever. Marriage, like a cover charge, can be an expensive thing, whether the wedding is as joyous as Tyrion saving the kingdom or as bloody as the Red Wedding.
Bros before…. How’s the saying go? Saturday night is here and its guys night out. You’re pretty fly for a white guy and you’re ready to take that hottness to the dance floor. Ladies love a man who can move because those hips don’t lie in other areas of life. Just like girls, guys have their signature dance moves. You HAVE and WILL bust these moves out in the club!
This involves grinding. When the girl plops her booty down on the guy, his instant reaction is to sway right to left. 90% of the time you’re out of sync with the music and your girl. But hey! WHO CARES! You got a nice booty on your lap so let your hips swing boy.
Ain’t nobody messing with my Clique.
This is a classic. You’re out with your boys and each of you have a girl by your side. You’re all impressed by your ability to dance with this pretty young thing. You give each other a head nod followed by a few high fives and you’re feeing like the man. You might just be dude. You might just be.
I wish I had a more creative name for it but it is what it is. EDM has hit every club and you’re sure to hear some Avicii which means only one thing- Go bat shit crazy! You’re so hyped up and you’re bouncing off the walls. Your feet go with every beat and before you know it you’re about to trip and fall but you keep your cool and continue to rage. Don’t you worry child, your dance moves are killer. You rave junky you!
That hot new Kayne jam drops and you’re feeling the music. You close your eyes and fall into the music. There’s little body movement besides a relaxed sway and a few hand gestures. It’s you and the song and you’re loving every minute of it. Bitch, don’t kill my vibe.
I gotta pee I gotta pee I gotta pee hey hey hey HEY!
It’s pretty simple. If you got to pee then PEE! Your bladder will thank you later.
End of discussion.
“I just need to get one more drink”
Excuses excuses excuses. This is for all you fellas that don’t really want to be on the dance floor so you tell your friends “I just need one more drink.” Hopefully that “one more drink” will give you the liquid courage to get out there shake your tail feather.
“There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” You’re probably not the next great rapper but when your hands go up and your rhymes are sick, you’ll sure as hell feel like you’re the next best thing.
Do you prefer khakis over jeans? Are you a 56 year old dad just trying to hang? Introducing the snap. You’ll look as corny as you feel.
The Foot Tap
We typically see this move from bouncers. The vibe is right and the music is on point but they have to contain their excitement since they’re on the job. That 4am call time will be here soon enough and you’ll be able to throw on your boots with the fur and get low.
Get your drink on, throw you mink on, Let your head nod
These wise words were once spoken by LL Cool J but lets face it, head nodding is NOT a dance move. If you’re going to dance, then dance! Keep your head nodding for answering yes or no questions.
We all have seen them or most likely have a friend who is him. He creeps on every girl in the club and sometimes feels brave enough to walk up and try to dance with a female whose far out of his league. Even TLC didn’t want a real creep.
Please stop making out already! This move requires a serious lip lock. The mood is set right and you might as well be watching a soft core porn.
Unless you’re magic mike please keep your clothes on..
Popped a Molly now I’m sweating..
Blank Stare? Bugged out eyes? In a trance? Just say no kids.
The Running Man
The best move ever. Breaking out this dance move will not only guarantee a huge “OHHHH SHIT” but will also have you feel like the fresh prince of Bel-Air.
Every girl hates that guy and every guy has been THAT guy. Sure it’s probably an accident but no one wants to have a drink spilled on them. Do it again, and mamas gonna knock you out.
Female+you+ another female= The Sandwich and it tastes damn good!
Step up Club Edition
This move requires some serious skill and if you got it then you NEED to show it. It’s time for a dance battle. You walk up to the biggest baddest dancer and bust out all the stops. Pop lock and drop it. It becomes a scene in you got served and baby, you did the serving. Props to you. Play on playa.
Last week we warned you about the 6 types of guys to steer clear of on the dance floor. Today, it’s the ladies turn. So study up before heading to the club tonight, gentlemen.
The Hive Mind
While the Hive mind is not the only animal that travels in packs, it is certainly the deadliest. This collection of lovely ladies will quickly close rank when approached by an outsider and is more than capable of dispatching of an inferior male specimen.
The Drunken Grinder
This Drunken Grinder can be spotted by her distinctive stagger as she makes her way from the bar. And while this lovely lady’s twerking would put Miley Cyrus to shame one must take care, as she’s been known to take the term grind at its face value.
The Inappropriate Slow Dancers
The music is thumping, the people around you are thrashing and jumping to the beat. Except for you. You are locked in the tender, soul crushing embrace of the Inappropriate Slow Dancer.
The Loose Cannons
If there was ever any doubt that you could have too much of a good thing, the Loose Cannons is your proof. To the outside observer, this generously endowed vixen might seem like the Holy Grail, but one must remember to be careful, otherwise you risk shooting your eye out.
The Dead Weight
Relatively rare at the start of the night, the Dead Weight only begins to emerge as the night wears on. Like something out of a Bob Marley song, this lovely lady has no qualms with leaning on you, the bar, or anything strong enough to support her body weight.
The Adam’s apple
This lovely lady can be recognized by her glamorous dress and killer dance movies. Many a gentleman has been so swept up in her charisma that they don’t even recognize her eponymous Adam’s apple. It makes you wonder, what other bulges she might not be disclosing.
This lovely lady can be found lurking on the outskirts of the dance floor. While the Wallflower may seem innocent enough to the untrained eye, one must be wary, for this cherry blossom is really a Venus Flytrap, looking for a free drink and a story to tell her friends at the bar. Talk about a man-eater.
Sports Guy: His idea of dancing is tapping his foot while checking football scores on his smart phone. That Jets handkerchief isn’t there to look cool, that’s the most amount of fan-related crap he could wear and still get past the bouncers. You missed the five times he tried to walk through in his favorite jersey, baseball cap and lucky sneakers. Hope you like Sports Bars, because that’s just where he’ll attempt to take you ASAP.
The Dude That Time Forgot: Midlife crisis much? Grandpa isn’t here to dance, he’s out to bag some chick half his age. He’ll buy you lots of drinks if you don’t mind drinking some kid’s college fund. So unless you like gray roots and someone that might break a hip in the middle of a Body Wave, stay clear of this geezer unless you’re looking for a sugardaddy and an unpleasant confrontation with his wife two weeks from now.
Captain Addict: Look! Near the restrooms! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Captain Addict! Yes, Captain Addict! Strange visitor from another club with far more to drink than normal bar patrons! Captain Addict! Who can change a wad of dollars into a tiny bag of drugs! Snort lines off of bare toilet seats! He’s a defender of truth, rehab and whatever it takes to borrow another fifty dollars!
Mr. Honesty-Free: Most guys are going to exaggerate their resume to impress you, but this guy lies about stuff he doesn’t even need to lie about. “No, I don’t believe you’re Jay-Z’s cousin, white boy. And I don’t care that you’re drinking a Mojito, you don’t have to spend ten minutes denying it. I saw the bartender drop it in front of you.” Maybe if he actually spent brain power on some decent dance moves rather than the elaborate fantasy world inside his head, you would’ve actually given him the time of day.
Angry McAngryson: Did you ever see the Incredible Hulk hit the dance floor? That’s the look this musclehead is going for. He’s so roided out, he can bare move without knocking into half the crowd. Unfortunately, that just winds him up as he spills drinks and that gives him an excuse to start threatening people. Unless you want to relive the several seasons of Jersey Shore live, stay clear “bro”.
Let’s be honest, when you’re at a club you’re not just dancing, you’re also drinking. And while small talk and how you dress can telegraph what kind of person you are, your choice of drink can tell a potential dance partner what kind of dancer you are. So behold the science of mixology combined with the science of danceology!
Tequila Shots: You like Salsa Dancing. You’re not very good at it, but after six or seven shots you won’t care. Enthusiasm counts for a lot.
Rum and Coke: You can’t really dance, but few frat boys can. You are really good a grinding inappropriately against hot chicks until they walk away from you and your popped collar.
White Russian: You drink these because you like pop culture references like the Big Lebowski. Naturally, your dance move is Gangnam Style unless the Harlem Shake comes back in style.
Mojito: Like all gay men or metrosexuals, you have many dance moves, but you don’t need to be wearing a necklace of glowsticks to know it’s all about the rave for you.
Coors Light: Well, Tex, you and your rattlesnake shit-kickers can’t get enough of that line dancing. As if there were any other kind of dancing to Toby Keith music.
Wine Coolers: Your big hair and industrial strength tan mean that the Guido fist pump is your favorite move. Besides, you can do any moves that require head shaking or you’d likely take out an eye with those jangly earrings.
Cosmopolitan: You love this drink because it’s pink and you won’t spill it as you constantly do the Body Wave, you’re one move, over and over again. Then again, you’re hot, so the guys don’t care you’re not a So You Think You Can Dance finalist.
Scotch on the Rocks: You’re too manly to dance. You’ve come into the club to satisfy your current girlfriend’s desire for a night out. You spend most of the evening people watching for character traits you can put in your current novel and will probably end up in another three-way with your girlfriend’s female dance partner.
Appletini: You’re not that hot, but you insist to everyone that you are. That’s why you’re favorite move is the Cat Daddy, which you learned since watching that Kate Upton video.
Mai Tai: Being fat and a borderline alcoholic has never stopped you. Whether you’re male and rushing around the dance floor in your Hawaiian shirt or you’re female in a skirt one size too tight, after four or five drinks you have to do that booty shake.
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