Every weekend, hundreds of unwary Americans head to the clubs to unwind. But few know the dangers that lurk on the dance floor. Below is a list of some of the hazardous people you might encounter.
Since the very beginning of Dancing there has been the stomper. He is a fool with a heart of gold and two left feet. Many a pedicure and floor length dress have fallen victim to his poorly placed step. While it is advisable to avoid The Stomper altogether, if one must engage with him then it is recommended to bring your steel toed stilettos.
Whether he’s doing the Mashed Potato, the Macarena, or YMCA, one thing stands out about the Frankenstein: his Arms. Over extend and over used, his arms often act as a limbo beam for his partner to duck and dodge. It’s best to avoid this guy’s stiffies.
The Minimal Effort Guy
This guy’s favorite dance move is the “Too Cool for School Shuffle.” It is a dance best performed wearing thick rimmed glasses, a beanie, and a Nickelodeon T-shirt. This dance looks deceptively simple, but it takes years of musicianship classes to successful master its eponymous step, which occurs precisely one and a half 16ths behind the beat, along with years of river dance classes to keep his upper body perfectly still.
The Too Much Effort Guy
This guy’s constant gyration makes him look like the prequel to the movie Speed; if his dancing ever falls below 50 beats per minute he and everyone on the dance floor will be blown to pieces by the bomb Denis Hopper’s cleverly concealed in his overstuffed trousers.
Possibly inspired by a past life in the Bolshoi Ballet, this guy is especially dangerous thanks to his penchant for lifting, twirling, and even occasionally tossing his partner. While this might seem like harmless fun at first, one must remember that they are never more than one White Russian away from disaster.
The Escape Artist
Last and probably the least, the escape artist isn’t so much known for his dance moves themselves but rather how he uses them. Each shuffle ball change may seem perfectly innocent, but in fact they are a clever rouse designed to lead his unwary victim to the edge of the dance floor. Be wary if he tries to excuse himself to the bar or the bathroom; as he may never be seen again.