Open up, it’s the Fashion Police! We’ve had a few complaints coming from your neighbors and we’ve come to issue you a citation. No sir we can’t tell you who called in, that’s classified information. Alright, fine, we’re going to let you off with a warning THIS time, but unfortunately we’ll have to confiscate these six clothing items so you may never inflict them on the public ever again.
Gentleman, please, I think we all know that these have had their day. Now they remain the domain of neck beards and Nice Guys from the dark corners of the Internet. Yes, Cary Grant looked fabulous in one, but that was in 1955. You are not him, and unless you are attending a costume party where it is specifically called for, fedoras are simply not permitted. Trilbies and top hats are included, by the way, and we don’t want to hear any arguing about the difference. In the bag, please.
Now we know, we know, shorts have their utility. But just like alcohol, they have to be taken in moderation, and should only be allowed in public in controlled situations. Shorts are for working out, the beach, and maybe a few other outdoorsy activities such as hiking, though fewer than you think considering the brambles and snakes out there in the wild. You have no business wearing shorts to any occasion which does not include these activities, and will be appropriately cited if you do so. And by the way, jean shorts? Never, never, never, NEVER. Jorts are an even more unforgivable sin, boys. They’re ugly, they’re tacky, and they chafe. Just back away, and surrender all your jorts to us.
#3 Popped Collars
We know what you’re thinking. You’ve spent a long day slaving away at your soul-sucking desk job, and now it’s time to go out, cut loose, and impress all the folks. So naturally, to show how cool and tough you are, and also that it’s time to party, you turn up that collar. And you know what it makes you look like? A douche. There, we said it, it’s out there. You are not the Fonz, and frankly, it didn’t even really work for him either (sorry, Henry Winkler). There is one single appropriate time to turn up your collar: when there is an unexpected cold wind and you’re trying to protect your cheeks and neck from an uncomfortable chill. YES, your collar actually has a PURPOSE, except for the ones that are mostly decorative on short-sleeved polos (which we can’t outright condemn due to their necessity, but mostly frown upon). So please, unless you’re trying to fend off the icy bite of a bitter London winter, keep your collars down, in their rightful positions. Then we won’t be forced to take you in for looking like a deranged Duke frat boy.
#4 Wife Beater
As the hilarious and wise comedian Louis C.K. so eloquently put it, why are you wearing a shirt named after a crime? A better name is “sleeveless tank” and sure, they’re great to use as undershirts. But when you’re wearing them outside, by themselves, in the world at large you look lazy, and like a man who watches a little too much NASCAR and drinks cartons of Coors Light. Hanging out in the house in them, or even taking out the garbage in one once in a while, no problem. But if you run into your neighbors while you’re doing your daily chores in this shirt, try at least have the decency to act embarrassed, because, let’s face it, you look like a bum.
#5 Mary Maxim Style Sweaters
Hey there, hippy. Have you no shame? Now we’re not trying to besmirch the traditional knitting of the Cowichan Tribe, which is where this technique of needlework originated. Indeed, the company Mary Maxim co-opted this style in the 1950s to make a buck. After the sweaters covered with patterns of American wildlife fell out of fashion, they continued to haunt the closets of Pacific Northwesterners and clueless fashion victims everywhere. Yeah, we know they’re warm, but they’re also just plain ugly. Find yourself a nice, neutral colored windbreaker, and then you can go hug all the trees you want.
#6 Sandals With Socks
Must this really be said? Haven’t we, as a society, learned our lesson? Well, apparently not, because this affront to human decency has recently made its way onto the runways at New York Fashion Week. Well, we don’t care what the chi-chiest of the chi-chi say, we’re the Fashion Police, and we are the law. And the law is, when it comes to socks and sandals, you have to pick one. Why would you wear both at the same time anyway? Doesn’t putting on socks completely ruin the point of wearing sandals entirely? What occasion is there where you’ll want to dress as casually as sandals allow, yet also need to keep your feet and lower calves warm? Don’t answer that, it’s a hypothetical question. But you know, just in case the moment arises, wear moccasins instead, and keep yourself on the right side of Fashion Justice.