Gentlemen, the dance club is your hunting ground and today we look at targets you should avoid. Whether you want to take someone home to mom or just into the alley behind the dumpster for a quick hump, you should know the pitfalls before you end up on a very special episode of Dr. Phil. Here now are the Seven Women You Should Avoid in the Club.
1. Little Miss Bottle Service: Sure, ladies like to see you drop a few dollars on them, but this girl won’t be happy until she empties out your 401K right at the table. You really want to order a $2000 bottle of Swarovski Alizé and watch it disappear with her and her girlfriends in a limo without you?
2. Namey McDropper: Guess who hung out at a table with Kanye West once? Guess who knows Beyonce’s hair dresser’s sister? Guess who will bang even the most moderately famous guy over you? You will never be famous enough for this girl. Move on or suffer the embarrassment of her ditching you to jump into Justin Beiber’s hummer.
3. The Sexlete: The Sexlete is like an athlete, only about sex. Don’t worry, you can’t pick her, she’ll pick you. But unless you’ve got some kind of pornstar level of endurance, a taste for kink and a monster wang, expect a lot of complaints and very short company. You can’t wrap your Jimmy enough for this one.
4. Gangster Girl: She will tell a hilarious story of how she’s blowing off her Community Service for beating up a Starbucks barista who mispronounced her name just to be in the dance club. If she isn’t starting a fight for herself, she’ll be happy to start one for you! Never let this girl borrow your car. EVER.
5. Queen Negativity: You want to hear how everything sucks? Don’t worry, you will if you end up with this chick. Nothing is good and everything is bad. Misery loves company, so it’s easy to get in with her, but like a Roach Motel, hard to get out. You’ll soon be hearing about every one of your faults in excruciating detail.
6. Super Drunk Chick: This borderline alcoholic started drinking eight hours ago and hasn’t stopped. Her favorite dance move is the “Stagger and nearly fall into a group of people”. Sure, you can take her home, but she won’t remember you the next morning. Is it really worth cleaning up the vomit in your car and apartment bathroom?
7. Constance Compliment: Constance is super hot, but super insecure. Like a blackhole for positiveness, she sucks up every compliment she can like an annoying, whiny vacuum cleaner. She will cry after sex, probably because you stopped saying nice things to her during your orgasm for five seconds.