Sports Guy: His idea of dancing is tapping his foot while checking football scores on his smart phone. That Jets handkerchief isn’t there to look cool, that’s the most amount of fan-related crap he could wear and still get past the bouncers. You missed the five times he tried to walk through in his favorite jersey, baseball cap and lucky sneakers. Hope you like Sports Bars, because that’s just where he’ll attempt to take you ASAP.
The Dude That Time Forgot: Midlife crisis much? Grandpa isn’t here to dance, he’s out to bag some chick half his age. He’ll buy you lots of drinks if you don’t mind drinking some kid’s college fund. So unless you like gray roots and someone that might break a hip in the middle of a Body Wave, stay clear of this geezer unless you’re looking for a sugardaddy and an unpleasant confrontation with his wife two weeks from now.
Captain Addict: Look! Near the restrooms! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Captain Addict! Yes, Captain Addict! Strange visitor from another club with far more to drink than normal bar patrons! Captain Addict! Who can change a wad of dollars into a tiny bag of drugs! Snort lines off of bare toilet seats! He’s a defender of truth, rehab and whatever it takes to borrow another fifty dollars!
Mr. Honesty-Free: Most guys are going to exaggerate their resume to impress you, but this guy lies about stuff he doesn’t even need to lie about. “No, I don’t believe you’re Jay-Z’s cousin, white boy. And I don’t care that you’re drinking a Mojito, you don’t have to spend ten minutes denying it. I saw the bartender drop it in front of you.” Maybe if he actually spent brain power on some decent dance moves rather than the elaborate fantasy world inside his head, you would’ve actually given him the time of day.
Angry McAngryson: Did you ever see the Incredible Hulk hit the dance floor? That’s the look this musclehead is going for. He’s so roided out, he can bare move without knocking into half the crowd. Unfortunately, that just winds him up as he spills drinks and that gives him an excuse to start threatening people. Unless you want to relive the several seasons of Jersey Shore live, stay clear “bro”.