When the big day finally comes, you’re going to have to dances, fellas. And one of the most important dances is with the most special lady in your life. No, not your favorite Hooters waitress, your mom. Here now are a few tips on How Not to Dance with Your Mom at a Wedding.
1. Don’t “Drop It Low”: Your elderly mother cannot “shaker her money maker”. Are you crazy? People are videotaping this. Don’t scar your kids before they’re even born.
2. Don’t Pick Inappropriate Music: You need something classy and icon. Robin Thicke is too sexy and Sex Therapy goes on for like four minutes. Any song with the phrases “your body”, “got to get with you” and “doin’ it” can also be deleted from the DJ’s iPod. Do yourself a favor and let mom pick.
3. Don’t Twerk: Or for that matter, don’t do any dance that Miley Cyrus would do on stage. Judging by her current hairstyle, do you think she makes rational decisions?
4. Don’t Get Really Hammered: Sure, you got issues with your mom. And yes, giving up bachelorhood has made you really really want to get obliterated. But this is no time to test the tolerance of your liver and how long you can hold back acid reflux. They’ll be plenty of time for gin and regrets after the reception.
5. Don’t Try a Really Complicated Dance Move: Yes, you took eight weeks of ballroom dancing and six weeks of salsa to placate your fiance, but your mother has been following your father’s lead for 30 years. If you do anything but the three or four steps she’s used to, you’re likely to derail her rhythm in front of your entire family.
6. Don’t Attempt to Make a Viral Video: YouTube videos of people doing funny and/or choreographed wedding dances are played. Yes, the first few times someone did it, they were funny and charming, but we’re all as sick of them as your Facebook updates. Just do a normal dance so people can get their cake and ditch your reception.
7. Don’t Screw This Up: After her own wedding and your birth, your wedding ranks up there as one of the most important days for your mom. If you screw up this dance, you’ll be hearing about it for the rest of your life. Your entire marriage will be a constant reminder to your mother of that “awful day you embarrassed me”. And every time your mother berates you about it, you’ll get to be berated again by your wife. So maybe think twice before dismissing those dance lessons.