How Not to Dance With Your Mom at a Wedding

When the big day finally comes, you’re going to have to dances, fellas.  And one of the most important dances is with the most special lady in your life.  No, not your favorite Hooters waitress, your mom.  Here now are a few tips on How Not to Dance with Your Mom at a Wedding.

1. Don’t “Drop It Low”:  Your elderly mother cannot “shaker her money maker”.  Are you crazy?  People are videotaping this.  Don’t scar your kids before they’re even born.

2. Don’t Pick Inappropriate Music:  You need something classy and icon.  Robin Thicke is too sexy and Sex Therapy goes on for like four minutes.  Any song with the phrases “your body”, “got to get with you” and “doin’ it” can also be deleted from the DJ’s iPod.  Do yourself a favor and let mom pick.

3. Don’t Twerk:  Or for that matter, don’t do any dance that Miley Cyrus would do on stage.  Judging by her current hairstyle, do you think she makes rational decisions?

4. Don’t Get Really Hammered:  Sure, you got issues with your mom.  And yes, giving up bachelorhood has made you really really want to get obliterated.  But this is no time to test the tolerance of your liver and how long you can hold back acid reflux.  They’ll be plenty of time for gin and regrets after the reception.

5. Don’t Try a Really Complicated Dance Move:  Yes, you took eight weeks of ballroom dancing and six weeks of salsa to placate your fiance, but your mother has been following your father’s lead for 30 years.  If you do anything but the three or four steps she’s used to, you’re likely to derail her rhythm in front of your entire family.

6.  Don’t Attempt to Make a Viral VideoYouTube videos of people doing funny and/or choreographed wedding dances are played.  Yes, the first few times someone did it, they were funny and charming, but we’re all as sick of them as your Facebook updates.  Just do a normal dance so people can get their cake and ditch your reception.

7.  Don’t Screw This Up:  After her own wedding and your birth, your wedding ranks up there as one of the most important days for your mom.  If you screw up this dance, you’ll be hearing about it for the rest of your life.  Your entire marriage will be a constant reminder to your mother of that “awful day you embarrassed me”.  And every time your mother berates you about it, you’ll get to be berated again by your wife.  So maybe think twice before dismissing those dance lessons.

Spontaneous Choreography From Some Unexpected Movies

I love dance movies. I’ve seen both Dirty Dancings, both Center Stages, and every single one of the Step Ups. Sometimes the only thing better than a great dance movie, is a ridiculous dance scene in a non-dance movie. I like to call this “spontaneous choreography” because there’s no logical explanation for how the whole crowd can do a dance scene in perfect unison without it having been pre-planned. Logical or not, it’s usually fun to watch.

These are some of my favorites…


Clerks 2

This one starts out normal enough (even though it’s kind of unrealistic that they would be able to hear the music clearly both inside and outside the restaurant, on the roof, in the men’s room, etc.) before launching into full fledged random choreography.


She’s All That

My prom didn’t look anything like that. What did they all learn this number? In gym class?


500 Days of Summer

I wish everyday could feel the way Joseph Gordon Levitt looks in this scene.


40 Year Old Virgin 

This actually happens every time Steve Carell has sex. It’s totally inconvenient for him.


Footloose

(Both the 1984 original and the 2011 remake)

Okay, Footloose is a dance movie but it’s a dance movie about a town where no one is allowed to dance. So how exactly did everyone get so good at dancing?

 


Enchanted

Enchanted actually lampoons the whole “spontaneous choreography” premise – as it is happening – by creating a fairytale-like scene where everyone knows the song and dance routine, except for Patrick Dempsey’s character who is left saying stuff like “I’ve never heard this song” and “I don’t dance.”


Tank Girl

This scene would be weird in any other movie, but in Tank Girl it totally works. Let’s do it.


Slumdog Millionaire

I love this Bollywood-style routine at the end of Slumdog Millionaire. Technically, it’s not part of the movie (because it would make absolutely no sense if it was) but it’s still totally random to break into dance with a bunch of strangers at the train station.


A Knight’s Tale

Even though it begins with him “teaching” them a dance (that he’s actually making up on the spot), the instructions only last a few seconds before the entire group knows the whole routine flawlessly.


Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion

This is by far my favorite. Even if Romy and Michelle had planned this out in advance, they haven’t seen Sandy in 10 years and none of them would have expected they’d need a 3-way dance routine. Still, this one is epic and might be one of my favorite dance scenes of all time.


The Five Best and Worst Superheroes to Dance With

New York is not only the Capital City of nightlife, it’s also the central nexus where all superheroes go to swing, fly and bust lowlife criminals in the chops.  In between wailing on dangerous ex-cons in their underwear, superheroes like to unwind at the clubs.  Here now are the Five Best and Worst Superheroes to Dance With.

1.  Best:  Spiderman:  With the proportion agility and strength of a spider, Spidey knows how to move.  Sure, you wouldn’t give Peter Parker the time of day, but look at the glutes on Spiderman!  That’s an ass you can bounce a quarter off of.  Plus, his Spider-sense guarantees no spills at your table.

1.  Worst:  The Hulk:  Green, clumsy and too strong for his own good, dancing with the Hulk would be like dancing with a more angry Saquile O’Neal or a larger and less angry Chris Brown.  And who is going to be able to concentrate  on their moves with pieces of the track lighting falling all around them?

2.  Best:  Wonder Woman:  When you strut into the club with this hot Amazonian chick, you’ve pretty much won the night for hottest and tallest date ever.  Any chick that can block a bullet with her wrist bands, can twerk like nobody’s business.  And it doesn’t hurt that she’s into a little light bondage either.

2.  Worst: DazzlerDazzler was Marvel’s Disco-themed superheroine who could control light.  And there’s not one part of that sentence that says “cool”.  No matter how hot she is, her dated look and powers are going to embarrass you and the entire club scene.

3.  Best: The Flash:  Any superhero that can run so fast that he can run back in time, has got to be handy at a rave.  He could run back in time and remind you to drink an extra bottle of water so you don’t faint later after dropping all that extacy*.  Plus, with him, you can get home much faster than a cab.  And sure, the sex might be quick, but at least he be out of your apartment fast enough.

3. Worst: The Phoenix:  Oh, sure, Jean Grey of the X-men is hot as Hell, but what good will that do you if she burns down the club you’re in?  You cannot take the most powerful superhero in the Marvel Universe out to a club, because a couple of vodka sliders later, it’ll be Armageddon. Drum roll please.

4.  Best: Batman:  Bruce Wayne is a millionaire playboy, ladies, so you know Batman is rolling deep with his bankroll too.  Oh, sure, he’s got a boy sidekick, but the bouncers are never going to let that kid in.  And Batman is a master martial artist.  His moves are sicker than Step Up 3D (not 2 or 1, but definitely 3).

4.  Worst:  Aquaman:  C’mon, Aquaman?  Seriously?  No amount of awesome dance moves are going to justify the orange and green outfit he normally wears.  And what’s he going to do to get you past the bouncers?  Summon an octopus?  Better hope you’re near the piers.

5. Best: Storm of the X-Men:  She’s hot and she can summon wind to make your hair and clothes look even better while you’re dancing.  Plus, you don’t need a fog machine when she’s around and everyone will think you’re dancing with Halle Berry.

5. Worst: Swamp Thing: Half-man, half-plant and not one rhythmic bone in his body.  Plus, you’re going to have to deal with the smell of the swamp while he freaks everyone out.  And who orders “water and sunlight” at a bar?  I mean, seriously.  You might as well just drag a bag of peat moss to the dance floor.

* Please don’t do ecstasy

5 Dance Trends You’ll See In 2014

Dance trends come and go. One day you are galloping to Gangham Style the next you’re putting on a mask and dancing on your desk to the Harlem Shake. But what dance moves are going to get us out of our chairs in 2014? Check out our hot predictions and get those dancing shoes all warmed up to party.

BALLET

That’s right. Ballet moves are going to be big in 2014. From classic french sounding moves like plie’ and releve’ to more advance moves like spinning and demi-pointe (getting on tip toes) expect major ballerina influences to hit the dance floor this year. Oh, and yes gentlemen, there will be tutus.

TAP

Some pop stars,like Justin Timberlake and Mya are already using tap in their videos, but expect a lot more people to be using the quick footed floor fest to make it’s way into every clubs of America. Oh and don’t think that means we all have to listen to jazz for it, tap can be inspired by any music like hip hop and dub step music. Imagine a dance floor full of tap shoes dancing to Skrillex… I’m losing my hearing already.

BUSKING

Unfortunately 2014 does not look like the economic uptick we were hoping for in America, but that only means that those financial hardships will translate to the hottest dance trends of the year. Expect to see Robin Thicke throwing down a piece of cardboard to dance on in his next big video and Pharrell, using that stupid hat he wore to the Grammys, to ask for change after his performance.

JAZZ

We see a lot back up dancers use jazz dance in the background of shows like X-Factor, but get ready for those moves to make it to the front of the line. A lot of shimming, a lot kicks and a lot of sass. Let’s just hope they keep the dreaded Jazz Hands where they belongs: in a Broadway musical from the 70s.

FUTBOL FEVER

The hype of the 2014 World Cup soccer tournament will lead to the biggest dance craze of 2014 “The Header”, which involves keeping a soccer ball in the air with just your head.  If you want to be a part of next year’s biggest phenomenon then get those cleats shined up and use your head and your feet to dance all the way into 2015.

Dance Moves That Guys Break Out In The Club

Bros before…. How’s the saying go? Saturday night is here and its guys night out. You’re pretty fly for a white guy and you’re ready to take that hottness to the dance floor. Ladies love a man who can move because those hips don’t lie in other areas of life. Just like girls, guys have their signature dance moves. You HAVE and WILL bust these moves out in the club!

Hm Bop.
This involves grinding. When the girl plops her booty down on the guy, his instant reaction is to sway right to left. 90% of the time you’re out of sync with the music and your girl. But hey! WHO CARES! You got a nice booty on your lap so let your hips swing boy.

Ain’t nobody messing with my Clique.
This is a classic. You’re out with your boys and each of you have a girl by your side. You’re all impressed by your ability to dance with this pretty young thing. You give each other a head nod followed by a few high fives and you’re feeing like the man. You might just be dude. You might just be.

Fast Feet

I wish I had a more creative name for it but it is what it is. EDM has hit every club and you’re sure to hear some Avicii which means only one thing- Go bat shit crazy! You’re so hyped up and you’re bouncing off the walls. Your feet go with every beat and before you know it you’re about to trip and fall but you keep your cool and continue to rage. Don’t you worry child, your dance moves are killer. You rave junky you!

Straight Chilling
That hot new Kayne jam drops and you’re feeling the music. You close your eyes and fall into the music. There’s little body movement besides a relaxed sway and a few hand gestures. It’s you and the song and you’re loving every minute of it. Bitch, don’t kill my vibe.


I gotta pee I gotta pee I gotta pee hey hey hey HEY!

It’s pretty simple. If you got to pee then PEE! Your bladder will thank you later.

Fist pump
End of discussion.

“I just need to get one more drink”
Excuses excuses excuses. This is for all you fellas that don’t really want to be on the dance floor so you tell your friends “I just need one more drink.” Hopefully that “one more drink” will give you the liquid courage to get out there shake your tail feather.

The Eminmen
“There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” You’re probably not the next great rapper but when your hands go up and your rhymes are sick, you’ll sure as hell feel like you’re the next best thing.

The Snap
Do you prefer khakis over jeans? Are you a 56 year old dad just trying to hang? Introducing the snap. You’ll look as corny as you feel.

The Foot Tap

We typically see this move from bouncers. The vibe is right and the music is on point but they have to contain their excitement since they’re on the job. That 4am call time will be here soon enough and you’ll be able to throw on your boots with the fur and get low.

Get your drink on, throw you mink on, Let your head nod

These wise words were once spoken by LL Cool J but lets face it, head nodding is NOT  a dance move. If you’re going to dance, then dance! Keep your head nodding for answering yes or no questions.

The Creeper

We all have seen them or most likely have a friend who is him. He creeps on every girl in the club and sometimes feels brave enough to walk up and try to dance with a female whose far out of his league. Even TLC didn’t want a real creep.

THAT COUPLE.
Please stop making out already! This move requires a serious lip lock. The mood is set right and you might as well be watching a soft core porn.

The Stripper

Unless you’re magic mike please keep your clothes on..

Popped a Molly now I’m sweating..
Blank Stare? Bugged out eyes? In a trance? Just say no kids.

The Running Man

The best move ever. Breaking out this dance move will not only guarantee a huge “OHHHH SHIT” but will also have you feel like the fresh prince of Bel-Air.

The Oops

Every girl hates that guy and every guy has been THAT guy. Sure it’s probably an accident but no one wants to have a drink spilled on them. Do it again, and mamas gonna knock you out.

The Sandwich
Female+you+ another female= The Sandwich and it tastes damn good!

Step up Club Edition
This move requires some serious skill and if you got it then you NEED to show it. It’s time for a dance battle. You walk up to the biggest baddest dancer and bust out all the stops.  Pop lock and drop it. It becomes a scene in you got served and baby, you did the serving. Props to you. Play on playa.

The best of the worst movie dance battles

Everyone loves a good dance-off, but what I love more than anything is a bad dance-off.

These are my Top 10 favorite movie dance-offs that are hilarious and ridiculous. Some of the dancing is actually pretty good – while some of it is hilariously terrible – but each of these scenes is hysterical in its own way.

#10 Once Bitten

MGM

Am I the only person who remembers this ’80s movie about a teenage vampire? Despite Jim Carey in the lead role, this scene wasn’t supposed be as funny as it is.

 

#9 Euro Trip

Paramount

This one isn’t exactly a dance battle, but he is familiar with over 600 dance moves and he is programed to get… freaky.

 

#8 Zoolander

Warner Bros

Technically this one is a “walk off”, not a dance off… but it still makes the list.

 

#7 Take Me Home Tonight

20th Century Fox

He probably totally deserved that.

#6 Austin Powers in Goldmember

New Line

Any dance moves that make Britney Spears blow up can’t be all bad.

#5 Starsky & Hutch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CgC1G92vms
Warner

Ben Stiller yet again and he is rocking the denim.

#4 Disaster Movie

Lions Gate

No explanation necessary. Just watch it.

 

#3 The Baxter

MGM

Michael Showalter’s finger waggling alone make this scene worth it.

 

#2 Cuban Fury

eOne Films

This is by far the best parking lot salsa dance-off I’ve ever seen. This is what every parking lot salsa dance-off should be.

#1 American Wedding

Universal

Stifler in a gay bar… if that’s not a winning combination then what is?

Which one is your favorite?

Five Tips for Dancing When You’re Drunk

When you’re in a club, you’re going to drink.  How else are you going to work up the courage to dance with that guy who looks like Ryan Gosling?  Or that girl with a rack like Anna Kendrick?  However, at some point, you might have to dance when you’re really, really drunk.  Here’s a few tips to keep in mind just so you don’t end up as a YouTube video where people say, “Ouch.  Is he still alive?”.

1.  Don’t move your arms a lot:  Flailing your arms wildly is always a bad idea when you’re dancing, unless you’re at a rave or in a mosh pit.  But doing it when you’re drunk is doubly bad, as it will throw you off balance and probably spill you’re drink hither and yon.  Unless you want to see Mohito everywhere, keep your arms still Elaine Bennis.

2. Do not dip or get dipped:  You’re carting around a lot of alcohol in your stomach, the last thing you need to do is tip your esophagus so that some of it can come back out the way it came in.  And since it’s hard enough to keep your balance in heels, do you really want that balance tested after your three sheets to the wind in the middle of a fog-ladden, light-flashing, blast of sensory overload called a dance floor?

3.  Don’t twerk:  What you think will be cool in sexy is just an image in your alcohol-soaked brain pan.  It’s going to be bad.  Like a friend’s cellphone video blackmail bad.  You’ll usually be able to tell when to stop if you say something like, “Hey!  Watch this!”

4.  Don’t close your eyes:  When the music takes you and you decide to dance like no one is watching, in reality, everyone is watching.  Don’t close your eyes.  Your body is already trying to process the six (or was it eight?) rum and Cokes you slammed.  It needs all your senses just to get to the correct gender of bathroom in time to heave.  Don’t eliminate one sense during this time of bodily crisis.  That’ll be later when you wake up with that chick you dubbed “Werewolf” to your buddies.

5.  Shuffle slowly:  You’re best bet if you’re wasted is just to shuffle to the beat slowly, even if the song is fast.  If you have someone you can shuffle closely with, so much the better.  You might be passing out soon, so lining up someone to ease your descent to the floor is good thinking.  It doesn’t hurt to shuffle right in front of some comfy looking furniture either, but avoid glass tables at all costs!

And remember, if you have to vomit, potted plants make the easiest emergency vomit containers.  Well, at least better than your shoes.

The Five Best and Five Worst Celebrities to Dance With

Dancing is great.  But dancing with a celebrity can really up your game or really destroy it.  Here now are the five best celebrities to dance with and the five worst.  You know, just in case you’re at the Oscars or something.

The Best:  Usher:  If there was anyone that could take the dance crown from the King of Pop, it’s this man.  Just dancing on the same dance floor with this guy is going to totally make whatever arm flailing mess you’re doing look 50% better.

The Worst:  Shaquille O’Neal:  His immense size is definitely going to throw you off.  He’d be great if you were looking to shore up your b-ball defense, but you’ll be lucky if he doesn’t stomp his way through that part of the dance floor with the lights in it.  It would be sort of like that scene in Jurassic Park, only the T-Rex is trying to dance to Fifty Cent.

The Best:  Jessica Alba:  Besides being smoking hot, Jessica has got the moves.  Even if she didn’t, most people on the dance floor would probably be too busy being hypnotized by her ass to notice.  And let’s be honest, she probably smells awesome.

 The Worst:  Kim Kardashian:  This high-maintenance diva is going to cost you, assuming that you can even pry her away from Kanye West to begin with.  She’s pretty top heavy, so there’s a good chance she might just fall down.  And let’s be honest, she’s barely a celebrity.

The Best:  Christopher WalkenChristopher Walken can dance.  He’s not just a hobbyist, he studied dance at the Washington Dance Studio.  And who wouldn’t relish an opportunity to practice their Christopher Walken imitation up close and personal?

The Worst:  Lindsey Lohan:  Can Lindsey Lohan dance?  Can anyone dance after 13 vodka tonics and eight grams of coke?  Unless you got a hankering for bad girls and a possible visit to a police station after the dance, stay away.  Far away.

 The Best:  Beyonce:  Jay-Z’s wife can move and I don’t think you’re ready for that jelly.  And what can be better than dancing with someone who wrote half the music in the club to begin with?  A mere appearance with Beyonce raises your attractiveness level.

The Worst:  Crispin Glover:  Have you seen this clip of him on Letterman?  He’s a worse dancer than Mac on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Then you’ll have to ditch Marty McFly at some point just so you don’t have to go home with him.  Awkward.

The Best: Shakira:  Shakira dances so much, she probably only stops when sleeping and even then, that’s a maybe.  Her moves are like maple syrup, sweet, sticky and delicious.  If her hips could talk, they would say, “Dance with me you, fool!  Dance!”

The Worst:  Rosie O’Donnell:  Moving isn’t exactly at the top of Rosie’s skill set.  And do you really want to hear stories about being on the set of A League of Her Own while you’re trying to grind?  If her hips could talk, they would say, “Hey, let’s walk to the donut shop again.”

Dealing with Common Dance Floor Injuries

1. Pulling a muscle twerking.

It’s easy to do. If this happens, you are going to want to get a heating pad on it when you get home. But while you are still on the dance floor, play it off by switching to other less aggressive moves. Try to bring back vogueing.

2. Bruises From Getting Bumped

People are animals. And when you are all in the same cage strutting your peacock tails and manes to the techno remixes of top 40s there are bound to be collisions. In fact, if you come home from the club without bruising you probably are a wall flower who should have saved yourself the cover charge and stayed home with your cat.

3. Getting scratched in the eye.

The club is packed and you are living in it. Then as everyone follows Pitbull’s instructions and throws their arms up like the ceiling can’t hold ’em, you get a bedazzled faux fingernail in the eye. Oh the pain! Head up to the bar and ask for two shot glasses. One with water in it and the other with Tequila. Take the shot glass with water in it and place it over your eye to wash out any glitter. Then take the shot glass with Tequila and drink that and head back to the dance floor.

4. Twisted Ankle From Trying to Work It In Heels

You know this moment, where pain takes a backseat to embarrassment. Damn those heels, you had it all under control until that last vodka cran and now all of a sudden you are face planted on the sticky floor. And worse, your ankle is throbbing and you are pretty sure you can’t walk anymore let alone dance. There are two things that happen next, your friends all flock around you in sympathy/laughter and tell you to go home you are drunk. Or you manage to not create a scene, laugh it off, and get back up. Now, under no circumstance should you in desperation to continue dancing take off your shoes. Being barefoot in the club is not only dangerous but disgusting. If you choose to stay, keep your shoes on and keep your weight on your good foot. If you are lucky, you will find some nice strong men willing to help prop you up. And treat yourself to a cab home where you’ll need to elevate and ice that swollen ankle.

5.  Getting Hit By Rogue Shoe

Another shoe danger. You are dancing, looking great, making eyes at that hottie, when all of a sudden a projectile shoe hits you in the face and takes you down. First asses the ugly damage, check for bruising, swelling, or cuts. You may need to demand that the owner of the shoe who hit you get you a towel of ice and a drink from the bar so that you can tend to your wounds. Maybe this will be a story you two can tell your grandkids. Or maybe the owner of the attack shoe is a total psycho with no concern for others who willfully arrived at the club wearing ill-fitting borrowed shoes. If this is the case, while icing your maimed face, find club security and have that jerk kicked out for starting a fight. The next day at work, get as much sympathy as possible for your tragic accident that left you scarred for life.

6. Chipping/Breaking a Tooth


This is the absolute worst. And everyone has seen it happened and lived in fear it would happen to them. You go to sip from your glass or beer bottle and miss, slamming that glass into your front tooth. Oh the humanity! You went from being a god in a NYC club to being a hillbilly in an instant. And now you are in for expensive and painful dental work. But since it is late at night and your dentist isn’t in until the morning. You may as well wipe up the blood, order another drink in a plastic cup, and keep dancing and smiling. You can face reality in the morning.

Setting: the Bar. Your Official Unofficial Guide To Bars

The average man spends hours thinking about how to pick up women, but how many know what to do after she says yes? Whether you live in a Major Metropolitan Area or East Buttbump, Arkansas, it can be a challenge to plan the perfect date. For most of us the temptation is to throw caution to the wind and to “go with the flow.” But be careful, there’s nothing worse than taking a girl out for a game of pool only to discover that “Balls and Cues” is not the name of a Billiards Club. So here’s a little list to help you keep things straight.

Dive Bars

A good dive bar is the perfect place to unwind after a long day, so long as you don’t mind the roaches. Sure, the man to your right is stuffing the pickled olives in his coat pockets to save for later, but who can beat a $3 draft?

Wine Bar

These trendy spots are the perfect thing to add a little sophistication to your Tuesday night.  Nothing can top the romance of relaxing in the candle light with a glass of red wine. Just beware of the cheese plate, if you catch my draft drift.

Craft Cocktail Bar

The Craft Cocktail bar is like a magical world, where no matter how many different ingredients the bartender puts into his shaker, it always comes out tasting like watered down grapefruit juice.

Sports Bar

Affordable, fun, and easy, the sports bar is the corner girl of the nightlife scene.   Just make sure you spend as much time focused on your date as you do to the Knicks game. Or the waitress.

Speakeasy Bar

Never heard of a speakeasy before? Not to worry! These joints are often disguised by a fake store front, and even  require a password to get in.  But the extra work will be worth it to see look on your date’s face as you’re leading her to the back room of an abandoned barber shop.

Karaoke Bar

All the excitement and ego of a Broadway musical without any of the talent, the Karaoke bar is the place to go if you feel like hearing Bohemian Rhapsody sung with a Trinidadian accent.

Nudie Bar

A den of broken dreams. This is the perfect place to bring that special someone you’d like to get out of your life, but who you are too afraid to break up with.