The Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club

Although club drinks tend to be insanely high, at least your brain cells are being killed by top shelf liquor that Jay-Z also drinks.  Club food, however, is a mix of the gourmet, the frozen and just plain odd.  Sure, you need some calories to shake that thang, but you can also get some later at the IHOP like a normal person.  Here now are the Eight Worst Foods to Serve at a Club.

1.  Pizza:  This isn’t someone’s dorm room.  Why the Hell would anyone want a long, floppy piece of bread, covered in sauce, cheese and tiny round meats, unless they have a burning desire to ruin an $800 Jovani sequin dress?  Not to mention the fact that you can probably buy an entire pie for the price of what the club will charge.

2.  Nachos:  Are we a group of stoned eighth graders in our parents’ basement?  And no matter how many degrees your chef has, he basically dumped this out of a bag and put cheese on them.

3.  Egg Rolls:  Oh, good.  It’s like a slice of pizza, except rolled up into a hot little food hand grenade that explodes the moment you bite into it.  That is, of course, that you don’t immediately sear your tongue off it, as it just came out of a deep fryer.

4.  Salad:  What health nut ordered this?  This is a dance club, not a lunch out with the girls.  Assuming you get that all into your salad hole without splashing dressing on your shoes, who wants to look at that empty bowl with a fork sticking out, just waiting to be knocked over by first clumsy guy trying to sit down next to you?

5.  Buffet Style Anything:  The dance club’s GM should have his head examined for offering up this disaster waiting to happen.  That’s just what a dance floor needs: people gingerly making their way back to their table with a plate piled high with free food.  What is this?  Your cousin’s wedding reception?

6.  Hot dogs:  Is this a night club or Yankee Stadium?  Even strip clubs serve more expensive food than this.  Hot dogs are worse than nothing.  They’re like an insult in food form.  “Ha, ha!  You paid the cover charge and this is all we’re giving you for free!”

7.  Fajitas:  Awesome!  Not only did you deliver food that requires a fork and can be put inside a soft taco shell where it might burst out and ruin clothes, you also managed to deliver a plate to the table that could cause third degree burns to anyone that touches it!  Why not just throw a bunch of hot coals at the table while you’re at it?

8.  Wings:  Yeah, let me get my hands completely covered in orange hot sauce.  Is this the dance club or a Super Bowl Party?  And who doesn’t want a pile of chicken bones as a centerpiece of the tiny table where you put your drinks?  Nothing says sophistication like a pile of half-eaten chicken remains and a greasy cellphone.

5 Best Dance Scene From Movies

Movies. They make us laugh, they make us cry, they make us DANCE? That’s right. Sometimes a movie is just so much fun they have to dance in the middle of it. Audiences love it and depending on who you have dancing you could a real Hollywood moment on your hands. Don’t trust me? Then check out these great movie moments that get your feet tapping!

Pulp Fiction- The Twist

Man, John Travolta’s dance moves to Chuck Berry’s “You Never Can Tell” were so slick, you hardly notice that horrible pony tail. Add in a little coked up Uma Thurman and we’ve got Twist Champions writing all over this scene. Just don’t fast forward. It goes really down hill after that.

Young Frankenstein- Putting on The Ritz

Props to Gene Wilder (Young Frankenstein) for not only getting a corpse to reanimate and come alive but then get it to wear a tuxedo and dance on stage. And he’s got some pretty good moves for a dead guy. I’ve been to clubs before where guys WISHED they moved half as good as this zombie. We should all be taking lessons.

Little Miss Sunshine- Super Freak

Sure, Little Olive’s “Super Freak” routine is a knock on the way pageants sexualize young girls, but it’s also where her messed up family comes together to and finally supports her. It’s funny, it’s sweet and it reminds us all of why Steve Carrell is the box office giant he is today.

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure – Tequila

Pee-Wee’s a rebel. A loner. Remember that Dottie. He’s on the a mission to find his lost bike. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time to impress a whole biker gang with his awesome platform shoes. Who knew such a simple dance move would lit crowds on fire when it hit theaters.

Risky Business-  Old Time Rock N’ Roll

The Quintessential dance scene in all of Hollywood is the scene in Risky Business where Tom Cruise slides across the floor is underwear. Who hasn’t done that as a teenager when their parents are out of town? This scene has been parodied so many times it’s impossible to keep count and it shot Tom Cruise into the “Hunk Hall Of Fame”.

The Biggest Dance Moves of 2015

As a wise man once said, we must evolve or die.  So too must dance moves evolve.  Like a shark that can swim to the rhythm, club dances will move forward or they will starve.

We here at Learn Club Dance have used our prophetic powers to peer into the future to see how you’ll be shaking your money maker in 2015.

January 8, 2015:  Kanye West will be humiliated by Kim Kardashian in a restaurant.  During the resulting bru-ha-ha, Kanye will get slapped.  He does not return the slapped, but dances around, frustrated and angry.  This becomes a new danced called “The Kanye Shake”.  Women begin by slapping their partners, who them wave their hands pathetically and dance around.

March 15, 2015:  In a Chicago dance club that also serves food, one of the new bus boys is attempting to clear out a table full of dishes.  But he overestimates his own strength and struggles with the container of dirty dishes.  He also makes a wrong turn, ending up on the dance floor, trying to find the door back to the kitchen.  The bus boy gets laughs and curious looks from the club goers and he bobs his head sideways to the beat before he’s escorted off the floor by one of the bouncers.  Several of the dancers mimic his head moment and it becomes a new dance called “The Bus Boy”.  A cellphone video of the bus boy goes viral and “Bus boying” becomes hotter than the Harlem Shake for two weeks.  It is, however, just as forgettable.

May 5, 2015:  When a Cinco De Mayo celebration gets out of hand in Seattle, Washington, the cops are called in to break up the party.  But, due to a fire on the other side of town, it takes the cops a full 40 minutes to show.  By that time, the party has completely died down.  But one officer, while asking one of the drunk witnesses what happened, makes a dance move to indicate he is looking for people “doing this”.  The hip shaking is caught on amateur video and makes the rounds on YouTube as “Dancing Interrogation”.  Eventually a dance move is created from the video called “Interrogation”, which involves hip slinging and asking demanding questions about your dance partner’s whereabouts.

May 23, 2015:  A commercial for Klondike bars featuring a dancing polar hits television and becomes an instant success.  Clubgoers adopt the CGI polar bear’s moves for the dance floor and the bulky, lumbering maneuver is dubbed “The Klondike”.  It is also considered some kind of bear sex move as well.

June 20, 2015:  A club in Phoenix, AZ invents a new Cheese Martini, which involves a standard martini that’s garnished with a chunk of very expensive, high end cheese.  This inspires a new dance craze called “The Cheese”, which involves lowering your partner to the dance floor, dancing around him or her in a suggestive manner and then picking them up and fondling them on the dance floor.  Teens especially take to the craze, which sparks a wave of protests from parents’ groups and the usual posturing by politicians.  A bill is proposed in Congress to ban cheese sales in dance clubs in an attempt to silence the move, but the bill is overwhelmingly defeated.

August 22, 2015:  A DJ in Brooklyn that goes by the name of “Lump” creates a signature dance move called “The Lump Gun”.  This involves a male dance partner grabbing his crotch a ridiculous amount of times during an aggressive dance.  The resulting wave of chafing sends talcum powder commodities skyrocketing.

October 5, 2015:  One of the losing contestants on “Dancing with the Stars”, stumbles down a short flight of stairs at a Los Angeles nightclub.  He somehow manages to keep his balance, however.  Too embarrassed to admit he tripped, he turns the move into a dance move call “The Drop Down”.  The popularity of the move sweeps through the clubs on the West Coast and is so popular, some club owners are forced to add small staircases near the dance floor so that club goers can attempt the move.  There is a great deal of controversy, however, as the installation of these temporary steps may violate state fire codes.

If Dogs Could Dance: The Ten Best Breeds for Dance Partners

If your dog could talk, what would it say?  Probably to feed it more table scraps.  But the real burning question is, if your dog could dance would it be good?  Here now are the Ten Best Breeds for Dance Partners.

1.  Bulldog:  Bulldogs don’t move much and are low energy, but their low center of gravity make them sturdy dance partners.  You can twerk all day around this mutt and he won’t move.  Sure, he’s not much to look at, but you’re the one dancing with a dog, remember?

2. Golden Retriever: Old Yeller is not just a pretty face, he’s got tons of energy.  He’s going to endure on the dance floor and lick your face all night long.  That’s a huge step up from most guys you meet at a club.

3.  Beagle:  How can you not add Snoopy to the list?  That dog knows how to shake it.  Oh, sure, he can get a little clingy, but he’s probably more loyal than that guy that keeps buying you vodka martinis.  He may not have the fingers to work a phone, but at least he’ll come when called.

4. Irish Setter:  All Irish know how to jig, so why should their setters be the exception?  Their lyrical doggie accents and soulful eyes will sweep you off your feet on the dance floor, lassie.

5. Corgi:  Sure, they’re short and stubby, but so cute!  Who could turn down such a cutie for a dance?  And with their low center of gravity, they might actually be able to lead.

6. Mastiff:  These monster dogs are almost like dancing with a small horse.  Best part is, if you get too drunk, you might be able to ride him home.  And if you spill anything on yourself, the massive Mastiff tongue is sure to be able to lick it off.

7. Maltese:  The Maltese is a tiny little dog that can stand on his hind feet for long periods of time.  It’s like having a furry little version of one of the Step Up crew for your own personal amusement.

8.  German Shepherd:  Great posture and great ears, the German Shepherd is always going to lead.  Marching to the beat is not a problem with this breed and he can sniff out anyone that happens to be holding.

9.  Poodle:  French dogs are like friendlier, less rapey version of Pepe LePew.  Plus they are always groomed for a night out on the town.  This dog knows how to step, just don’t ask it to defend you from possible attack.

10.  Collie:  The world’s most handsome dog is probably better looking than most of the guys you see at the club.  Well, groomed, well-behaved and smart, this is a dog you can dance with and bring home to the folks.  And you’ll have a way out if you accidentally fall down a well.

 

The Seven Best Ancient Civilizations for Dance Clubs

Ancient Civilizations may have been warlike, sexist, violent and bloodier than a episode of Game of Thrones, but at some point they had to put down their spears to get their drinking on and dance!  Here now are the Seven Best Ancient Civilizations for Dance Clubs.

1. The Roman Empire:  Hands down, the best.  Roman nightclubs were, at minimum, a place to drink, dance, hold an orgy and then repeat until everyone was passed out.  Oh, sure, they stole most of the Gods from the Greeks, but they rebranded and got back to the party!

2. The Aztecs:  The Aztecs built impressive, tall, tiered dance club and no one went home until someone got their heart ripped out and thrown to the crowd.  They invented chocolate, so the bars were well stocked with Chocolate-tinis.

3.  The Vandals:  When your entire civilization sounds like the people that write dirty limericks on bathroom stalls, you obviously had to have built some clubs.  Sure, the Romans could party, but no one could trash a hotel room like the Vandals.  When you’re the bad boys of the Middle Ages, you know how to party.

4.  The Vikings:  Wearing Flavor Flav hats sans the giant clock, the Vikings were like pirates that attacked land instead of ships and stabbed you in the face rather than parlay.  Most of their clubs were like raves, moving from location to location until a good spot full of booty was found.

5.  The Mongols:  The Mongols were like the Vikings on horseback.  Genghis Khan and Kubla Khan being their head DJ’s at all times.  Their version of bottle service involved decapitating an enemy filling his skull with a Mai Tai.

6.  The Māori:  The little known New Zealander tribe are like the live action equivalent of Klingons without the Shakespeare.  Tough as nails and fearsome on the battlefield, they’re just as fearsome on the dance floor or doing a haka.

7.  The Egyptians:  How can you not include the civilization that invented beer?  Pharaohs wanted to party in this life and the after, which is why their best dancing slaves were sealed in their tombs with them.  They couldn’t go anywhere without a good entourage.

5 Best Places To Dance Outside Of The Club

Don’t have enough money for the cover charge? Hate pushing your way through crowds just to get a drink? Would you rather pull your eyelids off than watching douche bags spill drinks on your shirt? Then maybe the dance club isn’t the best place to get your groove on. Check out these ideas to cut a rug without having to wait on a red carpet.

1. Street
A block party is the best part because a block party don’t stop. Just invite your friends, put a boom box in the window, crack a few beers and bring the party to the streets. Tearing it up the black top you are sure to attract attention. Let’s just hope it’s not the cops. Plus, you can see neighbors and friends you haven’t talk to in a while. Nothing says “How’s the family” like performing the cabbage patch.

2. House Party
If you want to try out some of those new dances moves no place is better than the safety of your own house. Not only can you dance like you want to, you can leave your friends behind. Hell, it’s your party you can invite who ever you want. Your house. Your rules. It can last all night and no one will dare tell you how bad you are dancing in fear of getting kicked out.

3. Pool Party
A pool party is a great place to dance because if things get too hot you can always jump in the pool. Plus everyone is wearing bikinis and who doesn’t want to dance close to a sexy two piece. Remember that show on MTV called “The Grind” ? That’s how all pool parties should be. Dancing, DJ’s and a healthy amount of 90’s rap.

4. Roof Top
It’s not hard to raise the roof when you are above it! Nothing makes you feel sexier than dancing while looking over the entire city. This is where dreams are made. Plus, it’s just really cool. Who knows when Mumford & Sons will just start shooting their next video. It may be at your next hip roof top dance party.

5. Bathroom
This is the ultimate place to get your dance on. First of all, no one is watching you so you can dance how you like. Second, you’re probably naked so you don’t have to worry about cumbersome clothing. Third, you can play your music as loud as you want. Lastly, you can use a hair brush as a microphone if you want to lip sync. Rumor has it Beyonce came up with her Single Ladies video while in the bathroom. Maybe you next time the can will inspire you to shake your cans too.

10 Reasons Going to a Club is Like Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is returning to the wasteland that is television and not a moment too soon.  Just like GOT fans are waiting for the dragons to start roasting Kings Landing, so too are party goers anxious to get inside the best clubs.  And dance clubs are a lot like Westerors if you look close.  Here now are Ten Reasons Going to the Club is like Game of Thrones.

1.  Getting inside the club is like getting past the Wall and the Black Watch:  Like the Black Watch, bouncers swear off of drinking and women.  And like everyone on Game of Thrones, they’re violent and will try and kill you if given the flimsiest of excuse.

2. Like Game of Thrones, there are tons of scantily clad people:  There’s enough sex, nudity and dudity in Game of Thrones to fill several page of the Mr. Skin website.  Pass enough vodka tonics out and you’ll pretty much get the same thing in your local club’s restrooms on a Friday night.

3.  Spending money like the Lannisters gets results:  You might have a great personality, but nothing erases ugly like money in the club.  Tyrion didn’t get all the hot chicks by being poor and short and neither will you when you hit the clubs. 

4.  Watch where you put your “sword”:  In GoT, people get into a lot of trouble thinking with the little sword.  You can get in way more trouble on the dance floor.  Nothing says “creepy” like getting too excited in the pants and swinging it around.  Remember to rest and cool off in between grinding.

5.  If you want to be king or king of the dance floor, you need magic:  Stanis has his crazy, red-headed witch woman, you’re going to need someone to dance with that’s just as striking.  And like her spells, her moves better be deadly and involve brief nudity.

6. Unlike Theron Greyjoy, sometimes you might want to get “cut off”:  Sure, it’s fun to get a little buzzed and dance the night away but watch out who you go home with. If it’s not your long lost sister, it might just be a crazy psychopath that you’re getting into bed with. And unlike Taken, if you wake up alone in a dungeon, Liam Neeson won’t be there to save you. Sometimes, you might just have to thank that bartender for “cutting you off.”

7. There’s always one rich guy being a jackass:  He’s not King Jeoffrey.  He’s worse.  Whether he’s the son of a sheik, a Russian mobster or Will Smith, he’ll be making it rain and dominating the bottle service.  Stay away, unless you want to get a drunken putdown and have a fist full of hundreds thrown derisively into your face.

8. The party, like winter, is coming:  And if you live on the East Coast, the party, like winter, never seems to end.  So unless your apartment is stocked with whiskey and Netflix, it’s time to hit the club to find someone warm to rub against.  And if you can brave the storm, much like Little Finger, you’ll have your pick of the ladies.

9. Never discount the weirdos:  The Hound, Tyrion, Jamie Lannister—  It seems like those with the biggest disfigurements are always the most interesting characters.  That’s why you should never count out the weirdos in the club.  Just because some dude is 300 lbs with a bright pink goatee, doesn’t mean it’s not totally worth chatting up.  Of course, if he smells like Hodor, that’s probably a deal killer.

10. Like the queen, MILF’s are not to be ignored:  The Queen of Westeros’ machinations drive the Royal Court according to her whim.  Thus it is similar with MILF’s that have been in your local club’s scene for a few years.  Sure, shes’ got some miles on her, but she wears that Cougar Life well.  Like the Queen, don’t cross her unless you want your rep to be mud.

Bonus! You never know who is going to disappear:  In GoT, characters disappear all the time, never to return.  In a club scene, you never know when two people might pair up and disappear forever.  Marriage, like a cover charge, can be an expensive thing, whether the wedding is as joyous as Tyrion saving the kingdom or as bloody as the Red Wedding.

How I Met Your Mother’s Best Dance Moments

On this past Monday night, the series finale of How I Met Your Mother aired on CBS. The ending was a mix of nostalgia, sadness and laughs… Many fans came away with mixed feelings about the final episode, but even a lukewarm finale can’t undo the nine awesome years we’ve spent with Barney, Robin, Marshall, Lily and Ted.

In honor of the show’s farewell, here’s a look back at some of the best, funniest and most memorable dance moments of the last nine seasons.

 

Robin and Barney Get… Groovy

Robin Sparkles – Let’s Go to the Mall

Marshall Dances at the Club

Ted’s Rain Dance

Robin’s Not Pregnant!

Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit

Marshall and Robin’s Dance-Off

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zChY2037uX0

Bang Bang Bangity Bang!

Daiquiris

Barney’s First Time

…and a BONUS moment with Emmitt Smith…

Our Top 5 Favorite Dance Pranks

In honor of April Fool’s Day, here are some of our favorite dance pranks.

Complete with air humping and ass slaps…right in front of her boyfriend!

That’s no regular shrub

What happens when a group of guys drop their oblivious friend into a live TV dance audition?

I wouldn’t mind a random lap dance from her…. (Warning: Not Safe for Work)

Props to this girl for quitting her job in style!

How Game of Thrones Is Like A K(night) At The Club

A new season of HBO’s Game of Thrones is set to hit TV screens again this April and with it blood, magic and ALOT of sex. Sounds like a fun night at the dance club huh? In fact, there’s a lot we can learn from Game of Thrones when it comes to the types of people you see rolling into your favorite spot trying to take the “dancing throne” from you and your friends. Check out the list below and arm yourself against those who would challenge your dancing family.

House Baratheon

The first to get drunk and lose their balance this “clan of bros” think that just because they’ve been coming to this club for years it’s their house. In reality, they’re one bad dance move away from being beheaded and sent to a old folks home. Once that happens, the new blood with dance for the vacant throne and club “Games” with be more wild than ever.

House Stark

These band of brothers are true friends; always making sure each other is okay and never leaving a man behind. Although they might not be the most gracefully on the dance floor, their passion more than makes up for it. Good and loyal friends to have, especially if someone is acting foolish (aka “Grinding”) towards you.

House Lannister

One of their uncles owns the club so they act like they own the place too. They kick people out of booths, harass waitresses and make the DJ skip YOUR favorite song. But underneath all that wealth and power however is something creepy and sinister. Rumors have it they are sleeping with the bouncer and the bartender. How incestual.

House Targaryen

These strong “Queens of Dancing” travel together, making sure each is accounted for and protected against the evils of drunk men trying to approach their dance circle. They may seem beautiful and weak but when threatened these women breath fire on the dance floor and will leave you limping back to your buddies.

House Greyjoy

These types are always looking to climb the social ladder no matter what the cost. They may act like your friend but as soon as a more popular person invites them over to their table, you’ll never see them again. And is that YOUR girl they are dancing with? How dare they back stab you like this! The day they crossed you is the day they cross the red velvet rope of their own demise.