Game of Thrones is returning to the wasteland that is television and not a moment too soon. Just like GOT fans are waiting for the dragons to start roasting Kings Landing, so too are party goers anxious to get inside the best clubs. And dance clubs are a lot like Westerors if you look close. Here now are Ten Reasons Going to the Club is like Game of Thrones.
1. Getting inside the club is like getting past the Wall and the Black Watch: Like the Black Watch, bouncers swear off of drinking and women. And like everyone on Game of Thrones, they’re violent and will try and kill you if given the flimsiest of excuse.
2. Like Game of Thrones, there are tons of scantily clad people: There’s enough sex, nudity and dudity in Game of Thrones to fill several page of the Mr. Skin website. Pass enough vodka tonics out and you’ll pretty much get the same thing in your local club’s restrooms on a Friday night.
3. Spending money like the Lannisters gets results: You might have a great personality, but nothing erases ugly like money in the club. Tyrion didn’t get all the hot chicks by being poor and short and neither will you when you hit the clubs.
4. Watch where you put your “sword”: In GoT, people get into a lot of trouble thinking with the little sword. You can get in way more trouble on the dance floor. Nothing says “creepy” like getting too excited in the pants and swinging it around. Remember to rest and cool off in between grinding.
5. If you want to be king or king of the dance floor, you need magic: Stanis has his crazy, red-headed witch woman, you’re going to need someone to dance with that’s just as striking. And like her spells, her moves better be deadly and involve brief nudity.
6. Unlike Theron Greyjoy, sometimes you might want to get “cut off”: Sure, it’s fun to get a little buzzed and dance the night away but watch out who you go home with. If it’s not your long lost sister, it might just be a crazy psychopath that you’re getting into bed with. And unlike Taken, if you wake up alone in a dungeon, Liam Neeson won’t be there to save you. Sometimes, you might just have to thank that bartender for “cutting you off.”
7. There’s always one rich guy being a jackass: He’s not King Jeoffrey. He’s worse. Whether he’s the son of a sheik, a Russian mobster or Will Smith, he’ll be making it rain and dominating the bottle service. Stay away, unless you want to get a drunken putdown and have a fist full of hundreds thrown derisively into your face.
8. The party, like winter, is coming: And if you live on the East Coast, the party, like winter, never seems to end. So unless your apartment is stocked with whiskey and Netflix, it’s time to hit the club to find someone warm to rub against. And if you can brave the storm, much like Little Finger, you’ll have your pick of the ladies.
9. Never discount the weirdos: The Hound, Tyrion, Jamie Lannister— It seems like those with the biggest disfigurements are always the most interesting characters. That’s why you should never count out the weirdos in the club. Just because some dude is 300 lbs with a bright pink goatee, doesn’t mean it’s not totally worth chatting up. Of course, if he smells like Hodor, that’s probably a deal killer.
10. Like the queen, MILF’s are not to be ignored: The Queen of Westeros’ machinations drive the Royal Court according to her whim. Thus it is similar with MILF’s that have been in your local club’s scene for a few years. Sure, shes’ got some miles on her, but she wears that Cougar Life well. Like the Queen, don’t cross her unless you want your rep to be mud.
Bonus! You never know who is going to disappear: In GoT, characters disappear all the time, never to return. In a club scene, you never know when two people might pair up and disappear forever. Marriage, like a cover charge, can be an expensive thing, whether the wedding is as joyous as Tyrion saving the kingdom or as bloody as the Red Wedding.